I understand the concept of it, I just don’t get why they’re important. Yea, birthdays are on the same day as the day we were born (Insert Age Number Here) years ago, but wouldn’t it be more apt if the mother who pushed out the kid was celebrated instead? I’m sure moms suffered more pain than we did coming out, we could have stayed in there for another week & scheduled the departure for another day. Danm uterus, thinking it owns the joint.
Anyway I’m not here to discuss genetics, anatomy or moms. I’m just not feeling birthdays, or anybody’s birthdays. Why are birthdays so damn important? To celebrate life. But life is unfair, so why are we celebrating that asshole? Then I get to the aspect of cultural versions of celebrating birth, why do some cultures have what are known as ‘Rites of Passage’ while others don’t really give a crap about that stuff. Whether it be transitioning from boyhood to manhood or girlhood to womanhood, it‘s all the same shit. Then again, when does adulthood really start? People talk about growing up too fast due to real world shit, then you have the extended adolescence that is considered a transition form youth to adulthood. All in all, everybody’s adulthood starts whenever the fuck they want. Quit giving it a number, then again the teens end when you hit age 20, yet there are still people over 20 who act like children. Sad truth there.
On the topic of different cultures, what is the difference between a ‘Quinceniera’ & ‘Sweet 16’? I’ll tell you, one has a virgin birth & the other one cries that her hair isn’t the right shade of blonde & gets a tantrum when she doesn’t get the exact brand of sports car she wants. As a kid I was always jealous over Jewish kids, ONCE YOU TURN 13, KA-CHING! I know I know, don’t send in that hate mail yet (Especially you guys at the ‘Jewish Conservatives’ Tumblr page), there’s more to the cultural & religious aspect to a Bar Mistvah or a Bat Mitsvah than what people outside of the religion see. I won’t go into it because I only know a small powdered mound about it, shows how uneducated I am about this subject.
“Me am stupid.”
The same can be said about Quincenieras, I don’t get the religious aspect of it because most of the ones I went to (As a kid. I am no longer cool enough to be invited to anything except the store & funerals because stupid commies) were more about the girl putting on an overpriced prom dress, dancing with some dude who may or may not be the baby daddy (Cry racism all you want, it’s the sad fucking reality.), drunk uncles & the parents getting into debt because huge parties aren‘t cheap. Drunk Mexican uncles aren’t a stereotype or a rarity like Leprechauns, THEY’RE AN EXPERIENCE!
Sweet Sixteens, nothing different, except for the fact that there is little to no religious or cultural involvement in that celebration, no drunk Mexican uncles. It’s not worth anybody’s time, so why the FUNK did MTV (There’s a joke) decide to make a show about that. Naw, make a show on Quincenieras & make a spinoff called ‘Drunk Mexican Unlces’. They spend 1hr talking their surly speeches & fighting TO THE DEATH!!!
Like I said all throughout the entry, I don’t get birthdays. Hey, you did nothing but pop out of your mom, congrats! I’m all for getting my mom something on my birthday. Then again, my parents aren’t the celebratory type. They’ve been married for 30 years, yet they did nothing or said nothing to celebrate those 30 years together. Either that says something about my parents‘ relationship, or says something about how much importance we as a family put on numbers. Look at me, I’m sounding like a hypocrite now. I guess they feel the same about an anniversary like I do with birthdays.
This is why I keep quiet on social media when I get notifications, nothing against the birthday people (Come on, they‘re all good people.), I just have nothing to add to the table that’s full of the same phrases as “Hope you have a great day.” I‘m always telling people to have a great day, even if it isn‘t their birthday. What makes a birthday so special? We all did nothing when we came out, except cry & wriggle in our placenta soaked bodies. Hospital workers & moms (Maybe even dad) deserve the fame & acknowledgement. You all are the MVP’s in my book!
Now that we’re done with one rant, better get to another rant!
So I’m now of the age group that’s supposed to go out to clubs, hump dance on some drunk girl’s smelly ass & have a couple of drinks myself. I’m not an alcohol drinker, nor do I do the clubbing thing, let that be known. What is up with alcoholics who see non-alcohol drinkers as a punching bag? I don’t drink, so what? I’m not going to all the local bars or clubs destroying the world’s alcohol or doing the old prohibition era priest of “You’re going to hell if you look at liquor” bullshit. So what if I’m straight edge, why are you poking fun at me for shit you’re in no way involved. Is there money invested in me? Is there a stock market for people to do shit they want? If so I want to bet money on a list of people I got!
So there’s this asshole at work who I had the privilege (Rolls eyes) to renovate their lawn by spending four days tearing out grass, adding seeds & being constantly interrupted by that fucking pinky asshole & his ‘TIPS‘ that neither helped & destroyed my workflow!! Imagine spending a week in the hot sun carrying heavy bags of sand & tearing out hard as hell roots for four days? I’ll get to that sometime, but one day he came out to hand me & the parents sodas, which in my opinion is a bad idea to give to people working in the hellish sun. It may say ‘thirst quencher ‘on the can, but it doesn’t refill energy. So he decided to hand me a beer & I stared at it thinking “What is this, a Perrier or some kinda mineral water?” It was a Beck beer. I don’t drink fucking beer, yet this guy was laughing .
Call me whatever the fuck you want ya pinky shits, I don’t drink beer & I’ll tell you why I don’t go near alcohol. My dad was a drunk, he wasn’t abusive (Let that be clear, I don’t want any of those “You are a survivor” bullcrap accompanied by that stupid song on those chick flick movie trailers that go like: ’This is my fight song, this is my right song.’…..Please J no bullshit) but he wasn’t a nice drunk either. So all throughout my life I saw beer as the potion that turned my dad into a non-normal person who laughed at nothing, swatted at imaginary fairies & I‘ll be honest, that scared me. He’s been sober for a loong ass time (Since 2000 I believe. Give him a hand!) & If I’m this crazy sober without a drink or a drug in me, I’d hate to see myself drunk or high. Back to my question, what is up with alcohol drinkers scoffing at the fact that one person decides not to drink a beer? Like come on, it’s not the fucking end of the world. “Oh that guy doesn’t drink. ‘Scoff scoff scoff’, we shouldn’t hang out with him!” In part, I blame those 90’s beer commercials. “Hey kidz! Drink beer ‘n’ you’ll fuck like 200,000 bitchez!” but in reality you’ll just be lying in a pool of vomit with a 83 year old prostitute named ‘Strawberry’ & all sorts of HIV crawling around your person. This whole thing even goes to that one cliché where a badass desperado goes into a cantina while everyone stares at him without moving a muscle because he looks scary, then he’s a punching bag when he doesn’t order whiskey, but orders a ginger ale. Why should a man’s drink be a fucking calling card of weakness? I don’t get it. If you like your beer & manage to not act like a fucking asshole, then good for you! Even then, if you’re a stupid as fuck drunk that ruins other people’s nights out because you can’t handle your drinks, then you fully deserve to get curb stomped.
To recap, there’s no significant purpose (in my opinion) for Birthdays to exist, beer sucks & I fucking hate drunks. All of you probably think I’m the most boring person on earth. Guess what? You’re right!
Most of what you read was heavily opinionated, guys. If you can’t handle that, then shut the hell up. All except for the beer drunks part of the blog, drunks are assholes & that’s a fact. Then again rereading this, I praised drunk uncles, but pretty much sharted on all other drunks. I’m a hypocrite & I’m not editing that part out, because Drunk Mexican Uncles are really fucking hilarious!!
See you next time!