I know I just said hello in four languages but who cares, that’s the power of Technology~
Google Translate makes you sound educated.
On today’s entrée of random yet interesting news:
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un ordered doctors to make him live 160 years old. It is said the dictator was told to relieve stress and tension so he ordered performers. Why do I get the feeling it’s not going to end well for the performers. Make me laugh jester!!!!
This would make a perfectly good movie, Kim Jong Un’s jesters cannot make him laugh so he sends them to death until one jester (Appropriately played by Robin Williams with a beard) makes him laugh and therefore Kim Jong begins to live more and forms a friendship with the jester until he falls ill from a horrid disease known as ‘BUTT AIDS’. Guys, this is a good idea for an Oscar lure film, this would be the film to win awards and earn critical acclaim. I will title it ‘Blue Veins’ because you know every film that comes from “Hollywood’s butt hole” in this time of year have titles that don’t really fit with what the film is about. ‘Blue Veins’, the film where Kim Jong Un’s lifespan grows, but Robin Williams gets butt aids and shrink his lifespan, LE CINEMA DU ARTE!!! Rated PG because you know we can’t let the teenagers miss out on this important film in cinematic history.
Now this next topic will delve into my personal life a little, nothing dramatic so don’t worry, I’m not going to make you cry but this is a topic that’s been on my mind. So back in 2009/ 2008, somewhere around those two I began anew in what everyone (or some) know as ‘High School’, the major league, and this was a huge step for me. At that time it was decided that I wanted to make movies, no oscar award winning films or box office smashes, but films which entertained and told a story. What do the counselors do? They enroll me in Filmmaking class, this was a cool dream come true, I finally get to have an outlet for all those pictures in my mind. So in this class I had this semi-fun/ semi-racist guy as a teacher. This is early in high school so I still had the dream of making movies at heart, it has not been shattered yet. So the teacher gave tests on the buttons and features on the camera, camera effects, cutting software and the like; I passed those tests with flying colors. Later in the semester we had plenty of assignments in which we put these camera and editing techniques to the test and I was assigned to a group, we certainly had no problems shooting or cooperating. We shot our test reels, I got more advanced at using these digital cameras which record on small DV videotapes so it still looked like a shot on video without the film look. The last and final assignment was a dream come true, this was a final assignment in which we all could film anything we wanted. Of course the teacher had some restrictions like ‘No Nudity’ or ‘No Vandalism’, but my idea did not require those two. I asked “Can I make my film bloody?” He replies with a chuckle “If you got the budget.” So I went home and since this was the weekend, I went on a film binge, pulled out the shelf of all my DVDs & VHS tapes and so I watched all these films and I listened to audio commentaries just to know how they did it and why. I knew I was not out to make a high budgeted masterpiece, but I wanted this film in my mind to be made. I came up with two ideas which could be done on a zero budget, an action film and a slasher which I wrote scripts for.
The following Monday I pitched my group the first script which was the action script, I told them before that I would be in charge of the props since I knew how to make things. This first script was a sendoff of the old Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee rip off films which I kinda laughed at while it was being written. What was their respone?
“Um, this is an action movie? We need explosions, we can’t make explosions, they need explosions.”
My script did have explosions, FROM WHICH I WILL SPLICE INTO THE FILM USING CLIPS OF EXPLOSIONS FROM OTHER 70’S FILMS!!!!
These guys were still not onboard with my 70’s exploitation film and it’s a real shame because we could have half-assed it and not care because the clips and editing would make the video look funny. Now the next script I pitched, this was one where I had my heart set on a little. This was about a slasher who stalks couples in school because the killer himself was rejected by girls whom used their romantic allure then spurned him. This was going to be half mystery and half slasher horror film and a tribute to Dario Argento. This was one where I made a creepy looking mask with blood stained eye sockets and a piece of metal from a harmonica as a mouthpiece that is used to play it’s ‘Last Song Of Death’ before the killer stabs it‘s victim. This shit blew over their heads, they did not understand that I wanted to entertain. All I wanted to do was make a tribute to the stuff I love but they treated this project as if they themselves were in charge of a big studio. I’ve had enough and asked what they thought of, what ideas did they have for a film that they had to reject my great ideas. These guys promised if they didn’t like my ideas, I had to listen to their ideas in which I would give my judgement.
They had none, not a single synopsis was written or thought of, not a single word was said. These fuckers were lazy, they weren’t lazy to do their ‘Camera Angle’ assignments, they weren’t lazy when we had to shoot a commercial for a fake product (We were assigned a fake product in which we had to shoot a commercial for), but they were lazy to do this final and easy assignment which was a free for all, shoot anything you want assignment. Then later on these bastards told me to ‘Give Up and take the F+.’ Hohohohoh hell no!! I ditched those bitches and began looking for other groups to see whether they wanted in on either my 70’s exploitation or my grim slasher, I also sought after this guy who was 3ft short to play the killer and asked whether he would love to be in my film. This midget was cool about it, he told me he loved the idea of a midget killer but he was busy so that was nice of him. They were all busy with their own projects so what I did as a last resort was make a slideshow of very bad people in the past ‘Hitler, Castro, Edward Smith’ and narrated curse words at their images. It was the weirdest yet funniest and halfassed project I’ve ever done. It was funny, there would be a picture of Hitler on screen & my voice would be calling him ‘A DEGENERATE FUCKER, I HOPE HE’S GETTING BURNED IN HELL FOR ALL HE’S DONE! WHAT KIND OF PERSON HATES JUICE’ and so on with all the portraits of people I despised. While my old group failed their assignments, surprisingly I got a C- on my weird yet funny slideshow. Sadly I never got that slideshow back (it was on a DVD) and my script lies dormant in my bag of written stuffs and I still have my mask in which I posted here. That pitiful day reminded me and left me questioning, Why are there lazy people in creative mediums?
Or why are there lazy people in general? Shouldn’t they be dead or obese, laziness and lethargy are not the same so I’m not blaming people who are tired, I blame lazy people. And I’ve suffered through lazy walls of stupidity back in Elementary School, Middle School, High School and not college because I’m not friends with anyone there.
My final Thought, Lazy people are the reason why we have communist groups, communists are lazy fucks.
I just wanted to get that out of my chest, hope all of you enjoyed that story there. Only here on ‘Blogababble’ do we get crazy.
Last week we delved into the Top 10 List of Thanksgiving movies.
This time, We’re going to delve into the parasitic list reflecting how stupid or gross and Lynchian (Another word for weird) society is.
It’s the Top 20 List of the most bizarre Craigslist Ads.
#20. Ralph Nader’s Chair: How the hell is anyone sure that Ralph Nader sat on this chair and not some perverted creep who’s goal in life is for someone to smell his ass.
#19. Orange Juice. Someone’s ‘LAZY’ to go to the grocery store and buy it. And they’re asking for a receipt, wow.
#18. Seeking Adult Clown for 30th Birthday Party: >_< I couldn’t stop laughing at this. You know from all those clowns I’ve seen like ‘Bozo The Clown‘, I’m pretty sure all clowns are hammered but only the few are willing to come to a 30 year old’s birthday party.
#17. Duck Mask: Hey furries, wanna have sex with Howard The Duck like that chick from that movie, there’s your chance! Duck tits, whooohoo!
#16. A woman to sit on my bathtub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit: Two words I bet half of you reading are thinking ‘Dream Job’. This is crazy, This whole month I’ve been eating nothing but Ramen noodles. Congrats Craigslist, you made me not want anymore noodles anymore.
#15. A Pony: It’s for a kid’s birthday party: It says nothing about riding the horse. Let’s just say they want it marinated in BBQ sauce. Where the hell is this ‘EQUUS’ birthday party happening?!
#14: I have a Huge Bathroom: Now this is taken from the list here :“I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.”
…..Let that sink in (no pun intended), living in a brathroom with an old woman who might A: Kill you or B. Make you smell her poop. Scary, right?
#13. Pope Hats: I’m not kidding here, I would buy a pope hat. Dude, just,….pope hat man. Do you know wearing a pope hat is a once and a lifetime thing like seeing a dolphin use a machine gun.
Pope hat, pope hat, pope fucking hat y’all.
#12. Someone to hide easter eggs in my apartment when I’m not home: Dude, dude dude. Let’s not tell this guy he’s going to get into trouble so we can steal his stuff.
#11. Free Couch if you can bend time and/ or space: Doctor Who may be interested.
#10: I took your purse and felt a connection: read this: “Tuesday night around 11:30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I've done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn't so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer if you'd like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me.”
It’s a match made in heaven. To that woman this guy is talking to, call that nice man there!!!
#9. Looking for Bridesmaids: Don’t do it!!! Brides are evil.
#8. Dog Diapers: If you have a dog who poops or a kid who poops everywhere, these will do the job!
#7. My Teeth: Want to be a step closer to a pedophile, here ya go!
#6: Autographed copy of 1st Edition ‘Plato’s Republic’: Why do I get the feeling the book is going to be gay Maplethorp porn with the words ‘Playdough’s Republic’ written in crayon?
#5: Ferocious Attack Kitten: Because cats are AWSOME!!!!
#4: Free international Ketchup Packet Collection: Wow, what an old people hobby there. You thought collecting porcelain dolls, spoons and stamps were hardcore hobbies, no son, there’s KETCHUP PACKET COLLECTING!
#3. Disgruntled American seeks Canadian for political asylum, maybe more: Help an American guy dodge federal law, stay for the gay sex.
#2. Pesonal Texting Assistant: …..No comment.
#1. …..padadudmadma!!!!!!!!!! (most horrible drum role done in any blog ever) 300 stuffed penguins: “"I'm going through a pretty weird time in my life right now--having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents' house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium--and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it's been brought to my attention that I probably won't "catch a man" or have anyone believe I'm about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here."
You should have thought of that before buying 300 pengies, why the hell do you have 300 pengies, what the hell is a pengie?
Anyway, that’s the list of very crazy, funny yet weird things that are displayed on Craigslist. Craigslist, The center of America’s failed way!!!
I don’t know if I’ll be posting another blog next week, Maybe Junette is as well as a short story she’s working on. Also I might be posting some stories next week or this week.
Until then, if you didn’t laugh this week, I am truly most sorry or you need a sense of humor.
This here is the mask that I made with my hands for the 'what was' Slasher film I wanted to make. I called the killer 'Oedipus'.