Hey I’m back after a break to writing that short story, last week I did not write a blogababble but now I’m back to fuck shit up.
Storytime, story time, Everyone gather around the computer screen and listen to my tale of youth terror, comedy and PC people. PC parents and PC people suck ass.
It all takes place between Kinder and 1st grade in ‘Eshelman Elementary School’. That was a good school that was near a Middle School, a Pharmacy and a Blockbuster and the teachers there were nice and fine looking. I don’t know why I was in that school in the first place but I was treated kindly by the staff, mainly because I was (still am) what I call a ‘Mature baby’. I was a walking paradox of being a very intelligent and mature yet very young and scared of my surroundings, For christ sake to keep me from breaking down I had to wear a name tag that I thought fended off danger and made me feel like a badass. So in my education I was normal in math, but excelled highly in English and writing which prompted the teacher to send me to class next door so I can work on whatever the teacher there was working on. It was a second grade class, full of kids way older than me and the teacher (I kid you not) looked like Judge Judy and she nearly made me piss my pants out of the way she looked. Of course she treated me kindly and looking back my fear for her was silly but she did look creepy. I was living the high life, learning math, art and science amongst kids my age and working on English along with playing ‘Goldeneye 64’ in the second grade classroom (Yeah, the judge judy teacher let them play Nintendo in school, RADD!!!!). So many crazy stories I could tell about spending half of 1st grade in Eshelman but that’s for another time, and the good times ended when my mom made the stupidest decision (but I don’t blame her for it) of transferring me to the school near our home. Eshelman was a 45 minute walk from my home and seeing at the time my parents didn’t have a car, so she thought it best for to send me to the school that was within walking distance in case I got sick and she wouldn’t have to deal with the drama walking 45 minutes home with a sick kid. I started anew in a nice looking school with shitty staff, ‘Harbor City Elementary’! The first few weeks were alright, they sold warm chocolate chip cookies and I thought a few of the teachers were nice; that opinion was about to change. So one time a teacher yelled at me for not bringing anything for ‘Show and Tell’, I did not know anything about show and tell because I was at home sick when the teacher decided to hold a show which was utter and complete bullshit. That was not the end of the PC attack, again this bitch (We’ll call her the Real Life Fancine), decided she wanted to reward everyone with a free day where everyone can do whatever they wanted without a grain of work to do if we were to do all of our homework and complete our quizzes; sounds awesome. That whole week I did my homework and on that day before I was told that we would have a free day so no backpacks and no schoolwork or homework for the whole day, deal is a deal. On that free day I walk into the classroom without my supplies or my batman backpack, and that lying bitch, oh ho ho THAT LYING BITCH. Real Life Francine told me “I never promised a ‘Free Day’, now go back to your seat and take out a sheet of paper.”
I was above pissed, this was the kind of shit that turned nice kids into psychopaths that torture their parents. So I sat next to this kid who looked like someone who got held back a decade (he looked 18) and he was just as angry as I was. It was strange, the 18 year old and I were the only ones pissed off at this, everyone else looked emotionless like clones in a Totalitarian movie, forgetting that they were supposed to have a Free Day that was promised to all of us. So I just laid back, talked smack about the teacher with my friend until the teacher overheard my conversation after saying exactly this “I’d punch her in the face.” I understand that statement constitutes a threat but really? If you look at the pictures of me back when I was young, I was both so thin and weak I could use a cheerio as a hula-hoop and a little later I was so slow and fat that I would waste my breath lifting an arm. Were they really that serious? So because of what I said I was suspended and of course my mom thought If the teachers say something is wrong, then she thinks something is wrong instead of thinking and hearing both sides of the issue. So I told a friend I would punch the teacher, I didn’t physically leap off my chair and do the‘Flying Thunder god’ (that move Raiden does in Mortal Kombat where he floats towards the enemy and pushes them into a wall) on her, Actions speak louder than words. A well deserved punishment for me would have been a strict lecture, not a fucking suspension and that’s where I call bullshit as well as the teacher lying to my young face.
After that whole debacle, I was invited to the Counselors’ office because I had negative thoughts (Jebus might be a psychopathic killer for saying he hates the teacher, better put a mouth brace on him and bring him in a crate lifter because he bites). The counselor was nice, he listened to me and saw me as misunderstood which was what I really was, still am to this day. Then weeks pass by and on the playground I was playing a game with the other kids where I was a wolf and I told one of the kids in character ‘I’m going to eat you!’ and I was suspended again. I repeat in uppercase print, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS YOU PC BITCHES. I was suspended again for something I said, it wasn’t like I told a very horrible joke about ‘The Holocaust’ or anything of that crude nature, I just said I was a wolf and was going to eat someone in character. Me thinks the PC agenda is full of pussies who do not understand free speech and are so sensitive that it annoys me. At that point the counselors decided that I needed a shift behind so that’s why I was held back a grade because people couldn’t tame the 1st amendment. They were scared of my harmless quotes because they thought I was actually going to eat a kid and punch the teacher. So now I’m in first grade again but with a better teacher (She was blonde and looked like ‘Kelly Cuoco’. I know guys, save the jelousy.) and she was the nicest woman on earth. I didn’t know shit about math because ‘Francine Look Alike’ didn’t teach me well enough so the nice teacher (I’ll call her Single White Teacher) made up a system for me where she printed out this laminated addition and subtraction sheet with the seven dwarves from ‘Snow White’ to make me feel happier and cheer me up because she knew I got a kick out of seeing ‘Dopey’. I’m not kidding you, I nearly died crying out of happiness when Single White Teacher gave me that sheet, no one had ever done that for me in that point of my life; I wish I still had that sheet now.
To make the whole Elementary school saga short I was scolded at for throwing rocks at a ball that was stuck atop a tool shed and I wanted to help these soccer playing kids. That was the point in 2nd grade where I would do anything to have a friend.
Then after three years, GRADUATION and two things happened that year, I was scolded at for laughing at a girl who treated me bad and threw my ‘Pokemon’ marbles into a drainage duct. I couldn’t control my laughter because this guy blew a balloon and popped it behind that Whore’s back and made her leap off her chair in fear. REVENGE BITCH!!!! On that same school year I was waiting in line to receive a cap and gown and I was talking with a friend about that ‘South Park’ game on the Nintendo 64 and I told him about a brainwashing gun that makes a anyone’s cheeks light up red, leaving them sing a cheesy song. Some teacher thought I was talking about her and Yelled at me saying, “Watch those comments boy, I’m going to see to it that you won’t walk that stage!” Me and my friend looked at each other thinking ‘What the fudge?’
Well I still graduated, fuck da police, Wu Tang!
A shoutout to all those people who are too danm sensitive and made my life hell and are the reason why I never made it to College a year earlier, FUCK YOU, YOU LYING, DECEPTIVE AND SENSITIVE BASTARDS! I HOPE A REAL WOLF EATS YOU GUYS!!!! (or Glenn Danzig. Yeah!!! I would cry out of hapiness seeing these bastards getting eaten alive by Glenn Danzig.)
I hate PC People, but I love Dopey from ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’. DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!