So we last left off on a ‘Flatliners’ remake. Yeah, because that old one was too ‘GAY’ for progressive 2017. That’s the problem with society, they couldn’t handle a movie made in 1990 by a director who was out of the closet, wrote the original ‘Car Wash’ movie as well as the Diana Ross ‘The Wiz’ movie & gave batman nipples. 2017, SMH, you’re all ignant.
An addendum here: Last installment I talked about Luc Besson & that new ‘Valerian’ movie that’s coming out this summer. All I saw were teasers & small promos which didn’t really do a good job showing us what’s up with the film. Just saw the international trailer that showed a little more of what the film is about & I’m pretty psyched about this film now. It looks like Luc took the very essence, style & soul of a French 80’s sci-fi comic book & put it in motion. My problem now is will it get a big release or enough praise? Will people be on board to watch a very colorful, very vibrant space opera based off a French comic book from the 1980‘s? Besides Star Wars, that genre hasn’t been well received as of recent. ‘Jupiter Ascending’ didn’t help at all & ‘John Carter’ didn’t get the chance to make a dent.
This film looks like a space opera pulp put into film, we’ll just have to see if the general movie going audience will settle for colorful scenery & swashbuckling adventure. So I’m down to seeing this film, it looks very much like ‘The Fifth Element’, except with more CGI which in this case isn’t a flaw. My problems with CGI occur in movies that could be done practically. I saw a film where they used CGI to make a car turn right. That’s fucking lazy there.
On with the list.
-Kingsman: The Golden Circle : I’ve yet to see that first one, but since everyone’s been hyping shit to the inth degree, I have doubts about watching that film & many other current films that have been hyped. Seriously, people, we got to stop hyping shit to the inth degree, unless a dude is playing with a YoYo. People using yoyos should always be hyped. Regardless, this mass hyping is making me sad, it’s making you sad, it’s making god sad. Other than that, Julliane Moore is in this film. Gingers make the world go round.
-Blade Runner 2049: I was hoping this film would make the end of the list.
Ohhhh boy, here’s a bigee here! So I saw the teaser & while everyone was saying how dank this will turn out. I felt conflicted by what I saw. As stated in my personal Facebook page, I am a big fan of the original Blade Runner. What can I say, it’s a special effects powerhouse that remains timeless, except for the fact that we’re literally 3 years away from living in 2019. While we have no flying cars, we’re not far off from the overly polluted, synthetic future that the film depicted. I gotta make like Gaff & speak a language that’s a mix of Spanish, Japanese & Aztec (I believe that’s how it went). I own both the original theatrical cut of the film on VHS & the Final Cut on DVD. I’ve yet to get the directors’ cut. I’ve loved Blade Runner ever since I saw it in (You guessed it) KTLA 5 back when I was a kid. I seriously thought that film was made in the 90’s, little did I know this was early 80’s. It cemented the cyberpunk look, then two years later William Gibson would delve into the inner social workings of that kind of world. Even if you don’t like the film or aren’t into science fiction, I highly recommend the 3 hour documentary on the Final Cut DVD. Not only does it go into the film’s influence, but it also goes into the craziness that happened during the filming. So at the time it was made, fog machines weren’t available, so what Ridley Scott did was made the crew have cans of burning junk inside the set to give the place a dim look. Not only did it work for the film’s noir style, but it also made cast & crew very sick.
So the first film’s theatrical ending was sloppy, all due to the studio not really understanding the film, nor did the audience at the time of release. So the theatrical ending ends with Rachel & Rick driving away in their cyberpunk parallelogram car in a clean, clear, beautiful forest. That was a contradictory ending because all throughout the film it’s clearly expressed that this world they’re in is very polluted, all wildlife is dead either because of the industrial pollution, so corporations have killed off every single species on earth & the whole world (Or just California) is a skyscraper metropolis where everyone lives in high tech buildings. To make that ending very sappy, they also solve that whole question of ’How long does Rachel, a replicant, have before she becomes obsolete? Oh she’s a special robot, one without an expiration date, she special! The ending done in the Final Cut was beautiful, just brilliant & makes much more sense by explaining nothing, leaving it open to interpretation & cutting to black, like a modern film. I won’t even get into that whole “Is Rick a replicant or nah?” bullshit there. I may be a nerd, but I‘m not a butt fucking nerd. Whichever ending you decide to follow, they both tie up the story in that film. How will a sequel based off a Philip K. Weiner (Dick) story work? I don’t know, but it looks like Ridley Scott found a way. Starring Harrison Ford (cool), Ryan Gosling (Get all the soaking wet ladies into the theater), a bunch of foreign people (I don’t even know) and Dave Batista. Lemme guess, he’s a replicant?
I say I’m conflicted because I would like a new Blade Runner film, especially since there’s so much in that world that we can learn about. How is that world in other countries like Mexico, Japan? Hell, how about the Arab countries? Blade Runner in Saudi Arabia, I’d see that shit! Then again this could be massively screwed up if they decide to follow the sequels to the book. Not written by Philip K. Dick, but written after his death & it was called ‘Blade Runner 2’. Yeah, there’s a book sequel & much more contradictory than the theatrical ending, much worse than the ending. So from what I’ve heard the sequel book brings back characters who died in the film & retcons a lot of shit. That’s terrible, I hope they don’t pull that shit in the movie sequel. Then there are the questions of the two endings, which one will they follow? Rachel is a replicant without an expiration date as explained in that sappy ending. Will they CGI a young Sean Young or hire actual Sean Young to reprise her role, despite her age? I’d be down for that. Then again, will they follow the Final Cut ending where it’s all open to interpretation? I like that ending, but I can see people who only saw the theatrical cut being confused & bitchy. You’ll get a battle between people who preferred the theatrical cut & people who perfer the final cut. I don’t see anyone being happy. One of the two endings might be used to make the sequel, hopefully it isn‘t the sequel to the book.
What can I say, I have to watch out & see more of it. The title sounds pretty generic. Blade Runner 2049, sounds like ‘Sealab 2021’ or ‘Total Recall 2020’ which is another show based on a film that was based off a Philip K. Dick book. But after Star Wars VII & Fury Road, I kinda have hopes. A sequel made 30 or so years after can work with the right people, the right executives & the right director.
-My Little Pony: The Movie : There you go Bronies, you happy? I bet you that whole theater is going to be full of 20 year old guys (NOT ME!) rather than its intended audience. Not that that’s a bad thing, I’m not against the cartoon. It’s a harmless cartoon, but some of you motherfuckers take that shit too far. It’s a cartoon, you can enjoy cartoons at an old age, just stop it with the “I am a pony. I’m gonna wear a pony costume, act like a pony & self pleasure myself in the costume & tell people this isn’t a sexual fetish.” Y’all need to calm the fuck down!
-The Snowman: The scarf of a murdered woman turns up wrapped around a snowman that was built recently. So detectives go on a cat & mouse chase to catch a serial killer, starring Michael Fassbender. What if the twist is a living, breathing snowman is killing people? Jack Forst has it coming. I’m intrigued, especially since Michael Fassbender is someone I’m looking out for. He certainly impressed me as the android in ‘Prometheus’. He nailed the acting down, the same way Ian Holm & Lance Henreikson did in the first two Alien films. Yeah, bring it on Fassbender!
-Mother!: Mothaaaaaaa!!! Tell your children not to walk my waaaaayyy!!!! Tell your children not to speak my wooooorrrddsss!!!
-The Foreigner: Another Jackie Chan film? Holy crap, will this guy ever retire? Of course this is going to kick ass & it may get national distribution since it’s from a company called ‘STX Entertainment’. There have been recent big budget movies with that logo displayed. It stars a cool set of A-list actors, you got Jackie Chan, Pierce fucking Brosnan & for some awesome reason CHARLIE MURPHY!!!! I wonder if he’s going to slap Rick James in the face or play basketball with Prince?
It’s a revenge film about Jackie Chan hunting down an Irish gang who killed his daughter since the British justice system is full of shit, just like America’s. I can assure you race will play into this, the book this film is adapted from is called ‘The Chinaman’ written by a Stephen Leather. So yeah, Jackie Chan’s gonna kick errbody’s ass!! I wanna see this now! If the writing sucks but the martial arts is great, it’s not the worst thing ever. I sat through ‘Around The World in 80 Days’ and while the humor & story sucked, I enjoyed seeing Jackie Chan beat people up in a Disney movie.
-Geostorm: Ahhh no, another disaster film, but this one has something going for it. The weather disasters aren’t caused because Rolan Emmerich needs more money or has tons of CGI sploog to put on screen, but because it’s the future & in the future the weather is controlled by a space satellite. So as you guessed, the satellite fucks up, ergo this fucks up the weather & everything’s on earth is getting fucked up. Directed by Dean Devlin, the guy who was Rolan Emmerich’s smarter butt buddy back in the day.
I’ll check it out, I don’t typically say that about all natural disaster films. We’re kinda living in a renaissance (Kind of) of science fiction here. Whether the Blade Runner sequel will cement this, we had movies like ‘Arrival’ and ‘Life’ that take a sort of smart & realistic (As they can) approach to science fiction than just the typical ‘End of the world, everything go boom, aliens gonna blow shit up! Pew pew pew, kill all aliens, ‘Murica!’ direction that has been happening since the 90’s. This seems like a symbol of good things to come.
-War With Grandpa: Oh my god, grrh! Robert DeNiro seriously needs the goddamn money. He’s playing yet another character where he’s a nuissance to young people. DeNiro, we all grew up seeing you as a badass with acting chops. Why not make like Clint Eastwood and make one last hoorah with the genre that made you popular! I’m all for actors & actresses playing against type, even poking fun at themselves like what William Shatner is doing, but DeNiro is doing it in such a terrible way, he’s just digging himself deeper & deeper into the cinematic ghetto.
For shame. I thought DeNiro would age into a badass actor.
-Cloverfield 2017: Another sequel & it seems like JJ Abrams is taking the idea of a anthology franchise to practice. I’ve yet to see that one with John Goodman in the bunker, but I’m still psyched for this upcoming film. According to the Production notes here on MovieInsider.com, this is done with a low budget of only $5 Million dollars. Compared to these big budget, 76 million dollar movies that are being pumped out, this is a neat change of pace. Whether the movie ends up being good or not, it’s clear that they will certainly be getting their money back, that is if nobody (Not even the critics or the workers working the theater) pay to see the movie. Still, I’m very sure this will be a good & creative movie. This time the film takes place in space where astronauts find that Earth has disappeared & they come across a derelict spaceship that may either contain help or something dangerous. Now this is how you do fucking horror! Not this ‘Oh my god, a porcelain doll that my older sister bought at ‘Hot Topic’ is floating. Whoo loo loo!’ bullcrap. I cannot wait to see a screenshot or a trailer for this.
-Saw Legacy: It’s October, you know what that means? It’s the time for new Saw film. Now I’ve never seen any of the saw movies, I’ll be getting to those sooner or later, but I certainly miss the days when in October there would be a new Saw film. I heard the last few sequels were crappy, but I miss the camp value of a horror film being released on Halloween night. Do I need a Saw film now? No. Do I want one either way? Yeah.
Hopefully they bring out trick gimmicks like barf bags & fake life insurance cards that claim that the movie is so scary, nobody has survived viewing it. When it comes to the movie going experience, we need to have more fun & do some stupid hilarious shit like this instead of 3D glasses that look like the Ninja Turtle‘s foreheads, that‘s stupid. Movies are too serious nowadays, we need to put the fun back in cinema. Kill a granny, smoke dat cabbage & shout obscenities when that guy starts making his butt hole sing. To quote John Waters: “Get more out of life, see a fucked up movie.”
-The Shape of Water: It’s a Guillmero Del Toro film set in another world during the Cold War, that’s all it says here. Judging from the title & director, I’m dead sure it’s going to be a Cuthulu movie. If not, well I tried. I have failed you all.
-Snow Dogs: Aw hell yeah, Disney is at it again with a ….wait a minuit!!! This isn’t that Snow Dogs movie from the early 2000’s with Cuba Gooding Jr. Who let da dogs out? Seriously, Who let those fucking dogs out? Nobody knows, legend says it was Wiz Khalifa.
This film isn’t Snow Dogs, but it’s about dogs who go undercover to rescue a baby panda from thieves who plan on selling the panda. Ummm, where’s the snow? Unless those dogs snort mounds upon mounds of cocaine, I’m not convinced this movie should be titled ‘SNOW DOGS’. Voiced by Ludacris, (2004 called they want their K-Mart rapper back), Alan Cumming (He played Boris in Goldeneye. That 1995 shitposter. His last name is another word for Climax, hueh.), and Gabriel Iglesias (He’s gonna do that creepily hilarious high pitched voice).
Seriously, if I see one other movie with the same title as another movie made years ago, I’m going to go out & buy myself some ice cream! Did you expect me to say that? Neither did I.
-Justice League: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a bomb? Seriously, there hasn’t been one good DC comics film since forever & I don’t think this will be it. It looks rushed, as if DC wants their own ‘Avengers’, even though they spent little to no time establishing the characters & settings of the DC Universe. Lo and behold, who directed this? Zack Snyder. Now there’s a director I can truly say has lost his shit. Watchmen was great, so was the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake, but then here he comes to turn Superman into a whiney, dopey emo douche. Oh, but the women like dopey emo douches, that’s why I was single in High School! That moment in the first episode in Season.2 of Supergirl when Superman arrives, that’s when I paused the program & told myself: “That’s the Superman we deserve to see on the big screen.” I also don’t get why we’re not getting an Aquaman movie? Then again, great, let’s not get an Aquaman movie, they’ll fuck it up! Despite that, I think Jason Momoa was a good pick. I just read an Aquaman annual from 1989 where it goes into the origin & it tells that story like a space opera epic. I bet you they won’t get into that. And then there’s that puss filled boil David S. Goyer, I give him credit for bringing ‘Blade’ to the big screen, but I’ll never forgive him for that interview when he said (Paraphrasing here) “Martian Manhunter will never be in the movies because Martian Manhunter is stupid. Aliens who don’t like fire are stupid.” Go to hell!
As I write this, a bunch of stupid people are offended by Gal Gadot because she shaved her pits for the film. Now I’m not against a little hair up in there (III LOOOVEE FRENCH LADIES!!), nor am I against the lack of hair up in there. Seriously, people just want to get offended at something just for attention. Start getting offended at the current state of politics you fucking abortions! Moving on…
-Coco: Not just a name for my dog, Ice T’s wife or a type of butter endorsed by DJ Khaled. This is a Pixar film, you know what this means. It’s already the greatest film ever & we don’t have to see it because it’s already established that Pixar can do no harm! So this is basically their solution to that film from a few years back, ‘The Book of Life’. I won’t hesitate to call it a ripoff because this film has something over Book of Life & that is that this film has Mexican voice actors (Except for Benjamin Bratt), something ‘Book of Life’ was too stupid to acquire! So yeah, a movie about a boy who dreams to be a musician & travels through the world of the Dia De Los Muertos is more Mexican than that animated movie with Channing can’t act out of a whorehouse Tatum. Hell, even ‘Grim Fandango’ is more Mexican than Book of Life. Yup, LucasArts is more Mexican than Channing Tatum.
FYI: I miss LucasArts. :,(
-Murder on the Orient Express: Ahem! The title’s use of the world ‘Orient’ offends me, even though I, myself, am not of Asian decent. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going to hashtag Starbucks to use their hash tag local wifi & hashtag type my indie movie script about depressed British lesbian teenagers who party a lot, talk about boys & continue being depressed. I am a progressive filmmaker & writer who knows the judges at the Tribeca Film Festival. Ahhrrmmm hrrrmmmm! I’m a special interest voter, LISTEN TO ME!!!!! I’m going to rub Vaseline on my nipples.
-Mary Magdalene: Awwww hell yeah, MEDIVAL HOOKERS!!!!!!! This movie is about a hooker in medieval times. There was a Vertigo comic I bought way back when I visited the local thrift shop. It was about Leonardo DaVinci’s assistant who is basically a gigolo & something tells me this movie is going to be like that book. That woman’s going to throw a penny at a pigeon & the pigeon’s head will be sliced off by that penny. I shit you not, that happened in the book!
Medival hookers for the win, In your face NEWT GINGRICH!!!
While we’re on the topic of medieval hookers, I wanna know something. What kind of venereal diseases were around in those times? Besides bubonic plague & gangrene, I wanna know the other STD’s of that era. Condoms wasn‘t invented yet (or they were around but they were made out of cow intestines) & I doubt men in those times ‘pulled out’. Soooo many rogue children in them times. Also, I‘m very sure there were super crabs in those times. I am intrigued in the educational merit this film may provide & I am a pervert. Sue me.
-Darkest Hour: Winston Churchill fights Nazis in this film!!! Hoooyeaaahhhh!!!!!! Also, this film is John Hurt’s final film appearance.
R.I.P my man.
-Star Wars: The Last Jedi: Hollllyyyyyy shiznit, man!!!
Star Wars VIII.
Nothing’s been shown or said, other than the logo & the cast list. According to the cast list, Benicio Del Toro plays a villain. The shit has littlerally come out of me. If anyone can play menacing on-screen villains, it’s Benicio! I don’t know if they had all her scenes filmed after her death, but the cast list also mentions Carrie Fisher. Thankfully Disney outright said that they will certainly not be making CGI Princess Leia.
So here we go again, all the speculation & bullshit from all you nerds out there. When the logo came out, there were nerds already writing articles saying “The red Star Wars logo means that there will be an imminent threat in this new trilogy.” They’re sounding worse than art critics! Aw man, hopefully all you fucks on the social media sites won’t spoil it, the same way you spoiled Star Wars VII and Logan. Then again, the spoiler for Logan didn’t really surprise me, seeing as the comics treaded through that possibility way too many times for new sales.
-Jumanji: It’s a remake starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, I’m down. Haven’t seen the original in a while, nor do I plan to. That original gives me 1994 middle class family, ‘Mrs.Doubtfire’ vibes. I can’t for the life of me watch that film anymore, too sappy & Mara Wilson kinda annoys me. Not adult Mara Wilson, oh god please don’t sic her on me. She bites.
-Downsizing: Matt Damon shrinks himself & joins a community of shrunken peoples! Why do I get the feeling this is going to be more funny than it sounds. Matt Damon is capable of being funny, I have faith in this.
-The Greatest Showman On Earth: Hugh Jackman plays PT Barnum. You know, from ‘Barnum & Bailey’s Circus’. Those guys.
Ouch, this probably comes off as salt on the wound since Barnum & Bailey is out of business. That’s like a girl cheating on a guy just as the guy dies of a stroke.
Anywhooo. Hugh Jackman telling stupid people to spend money at his circus, I’d watch that. As long as he doesn’t sing.
And last but not least
-Pitch Perfect 3: GLEE CLUB FUCKING SUCKS! I’m going to be a discriminative asshole here, pardon my crass French here. If you love glee club, you’re a fucking asshole & you won’t survive the winter.
“Look at me, I’m going to ruin your favorite songs as well as the songs that you already didn‘t like.”
Sorry guys, I just have a little bit of shell shock from both Middle School & High School. To all of you saying I just overreacted, you weren’t there man. You ..weren’t… there.
I seriously don’t understand the attraction of cover songs done by people with half the talent of the people who originally performed that song. That show ‘Glee’ was the civil war, this movie is the apocalypse!
Then again, here’s some clarity here. This movie is made by people for people who say the phrase: “My spirit animal is coffee, pizza, netflix & sleeping.” So that shows you it’s targeted towards the lowest common denominator, not me.
Guys, as you can tell I’m not part of the mainstream society. There you go. Why did I get so angry?….. I don’t know, I‘m just grumpy.
Well, that does it, that‘s all for 2017, can‘t wait for 2018, kinda! Most of them are terrible, some are good & others I don’t really know. I’m so looking forward to the two Jackie Chan films of course & maybe even both ‘Alien Covenant’ as well as ‘Blade Runner 2049’ & of course ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Valerian.’ I also can’t wait to see what other independent movies will be released, I’m hearing nothing but good critiques from ’The Void’ which is a horror film done in all practical effects.
While some of the films may be pushed back due to studio decisions, there are a few on this list that are yet to be announced. Here are some, hopefully a few of these get abandoned.
-Jeepers Creepers 3: Whether we want it or not, this shit is getting made. Victor De Salva can get raped by a switchblade dildo along with that comb over you call a president.
-God of War: And yes, this is the one with Kratos & the gods. No, this film is not based in any historical fact. Seriously, all throughout grade school & middle school there was always that one kid during Greek history that would always ask: “Did Kratos actually kill them all?”
Stupid stupid stupid children.
-Super Troopers 2: The first film was hilarious meow.
-Splinter Cell: The live action film adaptation of what is basically American Metal Gear Solid.
-Road House: They’re going to remake that beloved movie that made theee most white trash rednecks think they can do kung fu. Ohh my god how I love that movie!! I’m not kidding when I say this, there is a live script reading done on this film on broadway & I want to see that madly!
I bet you they’re going to make it sooo white collar, it’ll miss the macho, mullet having, rugged nature of that film. Still, if someone competent is handling this film, it should star real rednecks who have kung fu skills & maybe a cameo from ‘Casshme Ousside’ girl. Bitch got a funny looking face, we all want to see her get her face torn by a pair of nun chucks. You know what, don’t release it to theaters, sell it on a DVD compilation & call it ‘Hillbilly Kung Fu: Vol.1’
The original is soo hilarious & awesome, it has Patrick Swayze doing kung fu, beer, rednecks with mullets carrying shotguns, a monster truck & one of the most hilarious, yet confusing insults in movie history. So it‘s in the climax, Swayze is beating this guy up & the bad guy, out of nowhere, says “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” I just have to ask, was that meant to be an insult or a gay compliment? That’s the type of high grade screenwriting you’re in for with this flick. If you have not seen this movie, rent that shit now or hell, buy the BluRay copy because that film is a cinema classic! Hopefully the remake doesn’t include a Kenny Chesney soundtrack. That last thing anybody needs is people having sex with farm equipment.
To wrap this up, here are some words to live by.