So I was going to talk about that, but no time because I was busy with other shit & no way was I able to use the ‘family‘ computer. Not to mention I was busy trying to keep the home in check while my parents left out of state. Sharing a computer is shit, but that might change this coming year, hopefully. I also had some fucked up inner turmoil going on, but I won’t get into that.
I’m skipping the ‘Best/Worst’ of this year because face it, more bad came out of 2016 than good. Most of the movies that came out this year were ‘Meh’, and I’ve yet to see ‘Rogue One’, or as I like to call it ‘Star Wars Battlefront: The Movie’. I was about to watch ‘Batman V Superman’, but somehow it was deleted from the DVR. Guardian angles do exist. I can blame my sisters for this shit, but I don’t think they’re responsible for it. So we’ll just skip right into the up & coming movies of 2017!
Remember when 2017 was considered ‘THE FAR FLUNG FUTURE FUTURE FUTURE FUTURE FUTURE’?
Same rules as last time, most of these movies may either get held back a year from their supposed release date or might be subject to title changes. Also, I haven’t seen most of the trailers for these flicks, so I’m going by title & synopsis. A new rule here, normally with films that are neither good, or bad, I would tend to say something like: ‘I’ll probably see it on cable.’ Well, that choice (for me) is gone now that Direct TV is full of cunts! Seriously, my dad called their corporate offices because they were charging him up the ass for a plan they said would be cheap after switching from ‘Dish Network’. He got through to them, our bills are cheaper now, but along the fight they decided to take out our movie channels. So long Starz, Encore, Cinemax & of course HBO. I was in the middle of watching ’Westworld’, but gave up because HBO is gone, not only that but it was kinda pretentious. Why did the composers think an orchestral cover for Rolling Stone’s ’Paint It Black’ was a good idea? It felt less like a cool cover & more like old white people saying “Let’s get ’Giggy’ with it.” So I’m pissed off more than a motherfucker, how am I now going to watch that new ‘American Gods’ series that I was sooo amped to catch? Hell, I’m afraid that there will be a new season of ‘The Knick’, but after the Season.2 ending I don’t know how it will happen. Thanks a lot Cable, now I have to spend money on DVD in order to see if they’re good or worse, I’ll have to rely on BASIC CABLE. Nothing says movie night like watching a chopped up film with all the nudity & cussing cut out, shoved in are those sad as fuck commercials for the ASPCA. Talk about tonal shifts, watching Rocket Raccoon shoot up aliens & making quips, then we cut to a depressed dog staring at you as a narrator says “It’s your fault.” They’re forcing me to go to torrents because I don’t want to spend money on shitty Hollywood movies.
Let’s get too it! Let’s Nooze!
-Princess Mononoke 20th Anniversary Re-Release: Lemme guess, SELECT THEATERS! I’m right, limited release. Fuck you, America! Seriously, this shit drives me up the fucking wall. I’m sick of the classic & experimental movies being re-released in some trendy theater in a trendy big city away from my grasps! It’s hell enough trying to get to a mainstream theater like ‘Edwards Theater‘ or ‘AMC Theaters‘, I gotta travel through a state in order to see a movie at an AMC theater in the rich part of town, surrounded by stupid rich folks. I’m also sick of the fact that most of the re-releases in those theaters are generic bullcrap that anyone can see on Cable TV or find at a local Target store discount bin. I don’t give a fuck about ‘Grease’, why in fuck would I be interested in seeing Grease with a bunch of stage whores singing the same songs that have been overplayed.
“You da one dat I want!! Shugamannoogana! Hoo Hoo BRAAAA!!!!!!!”
I’m sick of the artistic & weird movies being away from my grasp. I got family that refuses to drive me anywhere, we seriously need an art house theater in this neighborhood. Sadly, that can’t happen. Harbor City can’t have nice things.
I’m off topic, Princess Mononoke is a Gibli film I’ve never seen but want to see. I heard the Miramax dub script was written by Neil Gaiman. Sadly, nobody loves the dub. I’m in the mood to watch anime that isn’t weeb shit. Hentai? Maybe.
-Hidden Figures: A historical movie about black women who work for NASA. Isn’t it sad that things of historical importance are being ignored because people are too stupid to open up history textbooks or consider that kids today may want to learn about this. So we’re leaving it to Hollywood to teach us history? I’m guilty, I had no idea there was black people who worked for nasa. Well, that’s the public school system for you.
This is one of those movies I’m not gearing myself towards, but won’t mind seeing. We all need to learn the history our history teachers were too afraid to teach us.
-A Monster Calls: Depressing life….FOR KIDS! Kid lives a shitty life & escapes into an imaginative realm. Where have we seen this? That kind of story has been played to death, especially with Young Adult novels. Sadly, I’m guilty for this too. I got an idea for a story like this where a kid is sick of his family, so he finds a tree that‘s an entryway to a hidden realm, but in this one there‘s a real estate mayor who wants to destroy the land where the tree is & it‘s an ethical struggle for the main character if he wants to stay in the world or be trapped in the world while leaving his old life. Hadn’t written it, probably won’t write it. Still, it looks like it might be creative & interesting. Limited release on Dec. 23, but will be released everywhere on January 6th from …. Oh hell, Focus Features. Most of their movies are pretentious period pieces, I only like a miniscule amount of movies they released. Which one was the one where Ewan McGregor talks to a dog, dates a French girl & Christopher Plummer is like a gay elderly man. That movie, I half hated that movie. It was pretentious, but I liked the scenes with the dog & Christopher Plummer.
-Underworld: Blood Wars: Or as it should have been called ‘Worlds of Darkness by White Wolf Games’.
2007 called, they want their shlocky action movies back. I’m sick of that style of action movies only Underworld & the Resident Evil movies contain. It reminds me of that shitty period in the 2000’s when all action movies had to have slow motion, some generic nu-metal soundtrack & most of them seemed to be targeted to mountain dew drinking, call of duty playing, calling everyone a fagot on Xbox Live fucc bois. I’m sick of it.
Want to watch an underrated, 2000’s action/ horror film with vampires? Watch ‘Daybreakers’.
-I, Daniel Blake: When looking for something to watch, I tend to avoid realistic drama. I want to escape from real horrors, which is why I more or less lean towards action, sci-fi, comedy & fantasy. This movie looks like something we all need to see for it‘s subject matter. It’s about a man & a woman who work together to survive the bullshit burrecracy they have to deal with as they receive welfare. It takes place in Britain, but at the same time this can be easily relatable to the American audience. In a time when we are bombarded with state run propaganda for state sanctioned initiatives, we really need a reality check on how these incentives are run. Not everyone on welfare is lazy & not every welfare recipient is some child popping cow. Also, these folks don’t live the high life just by getting food stamps, so it pisses me off when I read about governors or mayors from various states (Mainly southern Repub states) call for action by saying that welfare recipients can‘t have brand name foods or spices when they shop for groceries. I’ll stop before this turns into another political Blogbabble.
I will be on the lookout for this film & hopefully the synopsis delivers.
-Railroad Tigers: If you couldn’t already tell from that ‘Jackie Chan 8 Pack’ DVD review I wrote, I am a huge fan of Jackie Chan. He’s the sole reason why I fell in love with cinema. This film looks interesting judging by the screenshots. I bet you this is going to go straight to DVD, why? It doesn’t have a single Hollywood actor or actress in it. That’s what I fucking hate with Hong Kong cinema & the way Hollywood treats foreign films. Along with the lack of practical effects, fast pace & the excessive tone of trying to be like Hollywood, I hate how most HK action flicks won’t get big theatrical releases here unless it includes a Hollywood actor. There was that one Jackie Chan movie that got such a wide release just because it cast ‘John Cusack’ in it. I’m not hating on Cusack, but he was soooo out of place in that film. Theee last HK film I can say was widely released & made bank here in the states would be ‘Kung Fu Hustle’. Oh, I’ll get to that film soon on ‘Electronik Critik’. Watch out! Part of the problem with HK action flicks today is (Whether it was good or bad, I don’t know) the style of movies the made had changed since Britain ended their rule of Hong Kong. So now China has a slate of rules that I have to say is bullshit. Really? No time travel films because they’re afraid of condoning rewriting history? Another one that I kinda have to agree was a safe move was replacing stunt men with CGI. In some of these older films, there was no CGI & dummies were too fake, so you had stuntmen really getting hurt on camera & I won’t get into the sleazy part of directors who take advantage of the poor (Especially when Roger Corman & his group would pay dirt to poor Filipinos who were willing to jump off a tower.)
As for this movie, I bet you I’ll end up finding this at a big chain store on the clearence bin, that’s how I found a copy of ‘High Rise’ with Tom Hiddleston. Still need to watch that.
-The Ardennes: The poster looks like it’s a sequel to ‘It Follows’. It’s not ‘It Follows’, but it looks like it. Way to bring my hopes up!
-The Bronx Bull: This is basically a half ass, trying so hard to not sound like a remake of ‘Raging Bull’, even though it pretty much is. Raging bull is a biopic about the life of Jake LaMotta, shot in black & white. What’s this film about? It’s a biopic about the life of Jake LaMotta, shot in digital color so it looks like a CBS show. Martin Scorsese will snort coke off the wife of whoever made this! The snort of death! It’s like the kiss of death, but DEADLIER!
-Patriots Day: Too soon man, too fucking soon. What’s a better way to celebrate a fucking tragedy that happened not too long ago? Make an action packed thriller about it! If that’s the way Hollywood wants to play, then I demand my classic comedy version of the September 11 attacks. Call it ‘September 11th, Two Thousand & Fun!’ Starring Eddie Murphy as the twin towers & Whoopi Goldberg as the plane. The window washer is an improptu cameo by Dan Ackroyd.
“OW COME ON!” says the window washer as he notices an airline jet nearing behind him.
You see how messed up that was? That’s how this movie is to people who actually lost someone in that Marathon bombing! I hate how we as a culture are letting outside forces or making outside forces choose what to be offended at. Then comes something truly offensive & too soon, yet people are silenced at it because the media & the entertainment industry want you to be offended at things they want you to be offended at!
Let’s go home & draw Muhammad.
I’m kidding guys, or am I? Alright, I’ll stop with the offensive ideas.
-Live By Night: I wasn’t as hyped up to jump on the Ben Affleck as director band wagon. I wasn’t as amped to watch ‘The Town’, everyone’s talked to death about ‘Argo’. This film, this may be the first Ben Aflac film I will want to track down. A 1930’s gangster film that ‘Gangster Squad’ wished it could have been. I will be up to seeing this!
-The Bye Bye Man: Another horror movie with stupid movie rules. This looks like a poor excuse for a horror film. Seriously, I once thought of a horror movie with stupid horror tropes & horror rules that I just remembered when reading the synopsis for this. Get a load of this: If you think of the ‘Bye Bye Man’ (stupid name) & if you fear him, he’ll get you. There was news of an AI software that wrote a screenplay & was being made into a film, this is not it! I can safely say this movie is being directed by the same guy who wrote the screenplay to ‘Secretos’. Yeah, only a miniscule amount of you folks will know what I’m talking about.
-Monster Trucks: That title is an understatement, it should be titled ‘Monster FUCKING Trucks’ because the monster is in the truck! CINEMA ARTE!!!! THIS IS A PRESTIGE PICTURE HERE!!!! Move over, ‘Out of Africa,’ fuck off ‘The English Patient,’ this is the movie that will make me feel feelings of euphoria!!! The monster is inside a truck & it moves the truck & I will be there to buy the physical copy of this flick!!!! Monster Truck. This movie will stop the hate!
On a serious note though, it’s been a long ass time there has been a live action movie that pretty much doesn’t care for it’s premise. I’m hoping this will be this generations’ ‘Battlefield Earth’, a glorious train wreck.
-48 Hours To Live: Someone put a dance movie into my gritty crime thriller, someone put a gritty crime thriller into my dance movie! I want to know the pitch meeting for this movie.
“Um, you see I want this movie to be for couples & the dames don’t like cop movies.”
“How ‘bout mixin’ it up with a dance movie. It’s POYFECT!”
If the guy dances with a gun & shoots his dick off, I will watch that.
-The Book of Life: Wait? The cartoon movie about a Mexican tradition starring everyone except Mexicans? Oh, wrong one. So Maise Williams is making a raft to find her dad & a bunch of people help her out. This looks like one of those movies I’d watch on mute & listen to something other than the movie. I‘m crazy for ladies with thick eyebrows (No unibrows, please). Also, I noticed something here. The movie is titled ‘Book of Life’, yet there are no books or lives in the synopsis. What a ripoff. I’m calling a lawyer to sue this film for false advertising.
-The Crash: So in the future the government enlists the help of an uber rich person to assemble a team in order to stop another financial crisis, like the one from 2009. This smells of an unofficial adaptation of ‘Tom Clancy’s Net Force’. THE INTERNET IS DEAD, HAVOK EVERYWHERE!!! The internet is full of cyber shit & hacking only consisting of smashing your fingers on a keyboard. I will see this for shits & giggles.
-Alone in Berlin: “Riding on the metroooooooo!!!”
Not that Berlin? Oh crap. Well this movie is about a German couple who decides to work against Nazi propaganda after their son is killed in the war. I will see this. Anything anti-Nazi is a cathartic release. I masturbated while watching ‘Saving Private Ryan’, burn Nazi burn!!!!!
-Sherlock: The Final Problem: Are the fan boys still there? I remember two years ago everyone was crazy for Sherlock & Doctor Who, where are they now? I admit, the BBC hasn’t made anything good in a while. I’ve lost interest in ‘Top Gear’, even before those guys left the BBC. I keep hearing about that one show where a dude fucks a pig, people keep saying that’s a BBC show because it British, but it is actually made by Channel 4.
I’m not as big a fan of Sherlock, then again in today‘s world, who is?
-Lost in London LIVE: A film broadcast live? How is this going to work? Do theaters have satellite dishes? So this is basically like a big budgeted, not restricted to a stage, stage play? I don’t get it. It stars Woody Harrelson, he’s an A-grade man, but what’s it about? How is this going to be live? Are they going to have to take long ass breaks before each screening? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THINGS & IT’S SCARING ME!
-Split: M. Night Shyamalan is at it again, but I heard his last movie ‘The Visit’ was like a return to old form. This film actually looks interesting. It’s about a person who kidnaps some women & he has a split personality with what I can describe as ‘Adam Sandler in ‘The Waterboy’ voice, then turns into a psycho housewife. After bomb after bomb of crap like ‘Lady in the Water’ (Brilliant stoner comedy), ‘Devil’ & ‘After Earth,’ this looks neat. It looks like a tight shot, limited sets, almost low budget horror suspense that I may check out. Then again, a part of me feels this will bomb.
-XXX 3: The Return of Xander Cage: Funny story here, my parents thought this franchise was porno. These are the same folks who thought ‘The Blue Lagoon’ was porn, but on that they weren’t wrong. Those Blue Lagoon movies were awkward pornography & they plagued my childhood. How did I see those movies? I shared a room with my older sister, case closed.
The only XXX movies I’ve seen was the one starring Ice Cube & all those armature videos on PornHub. Oh damn, wrong XXX here. …..The more you know!
I talked my shit about 2000’s action films, this is one I might try to see. The trailer sells me, it has Vin Diesel (He hasn’t failed me yet) & there’s a scene where he rides a motorcycle on a tidal wave! EXTREME 4 DA KIDZ!!!!!! It’s been long since we’ve seen a movie with such over the top action that’s taking itself seriously. Wouldn’t be surprised if I see a copy of this in a $5 dollar bin in the year 2020.
-The Founder: I can’t…..I can’t…….can’t stop laughing!!!! One of the names of the guys who founded McDonalds is named ‘Dick McDonald’!!!!!
Bahahahahahahaahh!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahaahhaahah!!!!!!! Jajajajajajaajajajaj!!!!!!!!!!
-YuGiOh: Dark Side of Dimensions: I know it’s limited release, but really, there’s still a market for YuGiOh? I admit, the cards are cool, but really, there’s still people who go out to see these films? You’d think after ‘YuGiOh The Movie’, that train might have sailed.
If it’s targeting kids who watch the series on NickToons, then why isn’t it available on streaming or better yet, being aired on NickToons? This is weird. Who still likes YuGiOh un-ironically who wasn’t into YuGiOh when it came to the US?
-They Call Us Monsters: It’s about three teens going on to adulthood in prison & decide to make a movie. A documentary that I won’t be surprised if it’s aired on the PBS ‘Independent Lense’ showcase. They aired ‘Bully’ and they aired that one fucked up movie about the Filipino man who killed a bunch of people he thought was communist. I will be looking out for this one.
-The Red Turtle: An artsy looking anime film about a man stranded on an island inhabited by turtles. Why do I get the feeling this will be a limited release. Goddam plebians, can’t stand creativity!!! And not only that, finding a copy of this will be hard as balls, I hate this world.
-Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: Who keeps going to see these movies? They’re bland, terrible & stupid action movies with dull faced acting from Mila Jovovich! Oh & what a way to name it ‘The Final Chapter’, the subtitle tells it like it is until it earns money & another sequel is underway. The only thing that resurrects Jason Vorhees is making box office bank. These movies need to fucking die already. Mila Jovovich, you were in ‘The Fifth Element’, you’re better than this. Same goes to her husband, Paul W.S Anderson. You’re better than this, you made two badass 90’s films, Soldier, Mortal Kombat & Even Horizon (The better version of ‘Hellraiser in Space’) Go back to old form. I would love to see a sequel to ‘Soldier’ starring Kurt Russel. If you haven’t seen the film, I suggest you get off your ass, que up the netflix & watch Kurt Russel shoot a bunch of trench coat wearing, cyberpunk soldiers! It’s fucking awesome!!!! Also, the soundtrack by ‘Joel McNeely’ (Who also did the soundtrack to the ‘Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire’ video game) is pumping!
-A Dog’s Purpose: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no! This whole movie is a whole lot of nope for me. I saw the trailer & smells like ‘Marley & Me’ all over again. That shit just crushed me when I saw that. I remember my older sister grabbing the movie at a Library & saying “Let’s watch the funny movie with the funny dog. Tee hee hee.”
It was all fun & games seeing the dog poop at the beach, then the ending hits all of us like a goddamn car crash! That was some sad shit right there, a kick to the balls is what that ending was. This film looks like that & I’m going nowhere near it! Stay away from me, sad dog movie!!
That will do, for now.
Just like last year, I’ll be splitting this up into many parts. I have no clue when I’ll get back to writing politics & current affairs. I will be seeing you soon. I got many more movies to go through. Many more!