2017 Movies, Part II. No subtitle.
-Gold: I just saw a movie with the same title that was made in the 70’s & starred Roger Moore. It’s part of a long review I’m planning, the first part of that review is done so I’m making progress. Rather than spoiling that part of the review, I’ll say that this film almost (In a weird way) mimics the 70’s film I saw. All I need to know is if there’s betrayal & corporate cutthroats.
Anyways, I’m sick of shows & movies that use the same title. I already explained why on the last list (Or anywhere on blogababble), but it just got worse. So one night I was watching that National Geographic show ‘Taboo’ which is both interesting & vile. Recently ‘Newscorp’ (The corp who owns Fox News, 20th Century Fox & the all the FX channels.) bought National Georgaphic not too long ago. So on the FX channel there’s a weird new show about to air by Tom Hardy & Ridley Scott named ‘Taboo’. I’ve been seeing commercials for a weird scripted show called ‘Taboo’ on an educational (Sorta, but more exploitative) show called ‘Taboo’! This has gotten way outta hand. I understand, titles are hard. It wasn’t until the fifth day of writing the outline when I decided to call my recent series ‘The Woman Lost In The City of Gods & Devils’. It was hard, my working title was ‘Two Women & a Baby’, thank goodness I didn’t use that awful title, but you guys need to work a little more harder with titles.
-Un Padre No Tan Padre (Translation: A Father Not Like Any Father): It’s not a Blogbabble commentary if I at least mention a Mexican film in this list. I’ve seen no trailer, but judging from the pictures it looks like another Mexican film getting a release in America because it looks easily digestible to the American mainstream audience. What I mean by that is, it looks like any other family oriented movie that has been made in the past 10 years. So the plot is about a ‘NAUGHTY’ old man who gets kicked out of his retirement home. I don’t know why, doesn’t say, maybe he grabbed ass or something. I wouldn’t be surprised, PERVERTS ARE FUNNY! So this old fart lives with his estranged son & uh oh, GENERATIONS CLASH!!! I feel like I’ve seen this before, but can’t name any titles featuring this plot. It looks like generic, western style, mediocre comedy. To all of you who are planning on seeing this, all I have to say is “Have a right time, drink alcohol if it gets you through the screening.”
-My Life As Zucchini: A French stop-motion animated film about a boy who’s mom dies & finds his place in an orphanage. I’ve got nothing to add, or any smarmy things to say. I have a soul you know. I may talk a lot about a gorilla raping Donald Trump, but I’m not going to pick on the little guy here.
-Growing Up Smith: An Indian boy & his family moves to America, falls for the neighbor which suddenly turns into a clash of cultures & an identity crisis for the boy. At least this isn’t ‘The Price of the American Dream’ where the last few minutes of the film resort to stealing a subplot from ‘Boyz N The Hood’ where the character who gets shot was about to change his life & was accepted to a high grade college.
No, wait! It just came to me, maybe this film is ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ for boys, except it has no soccer, no early 2000’s soundtrack & no Kierra Knightley. If you haven’t seen that flick, you’d be surprised how good it is. I put that film in the list of chick flicks that don’t look good, but end up being better than expected.
2. Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion
3. The Craft
4. Bend It Like Beckham
-Rings: It’s about a dude who goes to McDonalds, buys a 30pc set of onion rings, puts them on in front of a webcam & starts making spooky sounds while wiggling his oily fingers full of stacked onion rings.
I wish it were that movie, it’s leaps & bounds better than the actual movie. It’s a sequel (Or remake, I don’t know) to ‘The Ring’ which in itself was a remake of a Japanese horror film called ‘Ringu’. Reading the synopsis, I’m surprised they’re still keeping the Ring girl in a VHS tape. The Ring girl killed Vine, she’s the hero of the film!
I don’t get easily scared from overly pale asian girls with distorted faces, most of you do. It’s not for me, call me when David Lynch gets a horror film on board, now he knows how to scare the dookie out of me!
-The Space Between Us: Romeo & Juliet in space. Bravo Hollywood, you just scraped the bottom of the barrel with this, hopefully you guys pull of 1996 Romeo & Juliet by basically copying & pasting the book into the screenplay & add ‘Space‘ every three sentences.
-I Am Not Your Negro: Holy fuck, what a title! In a world where we’re going to have two TV shows titled ‘Taboo’, this shows that titles don’t have to be one word. So this is a documentary about James Baldwin who was writing on the account of Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X & Medgar Evers. All of this narrated by….hold on….get ready to jizz, Samuel L. Jackson! I know it’s not going to be the caricature of Sam L we all know & love, but one can wish. Imagine watching a documentary on the civil war narrated by Sam L. It would go something like: “Them dumb mothafuckas in the south going to war to keep slaves! They dum as shit! Yeah, they all deserved ta die & I hope they burn in hell!!”
“Uhh, Mr. Jackson?” asks the audio director. “Can you please stop yelling into the mic.”
“Yelling?! This is my indoor voice! Haven’t you seen my movies!! Star Wars! Time To Kill! Deep Blue Sea! I got ate by a mothafuckin’ shark & I‘m mad as hell!!!”
Now this is one documentary I am looking forward to.
-The Comedian: Dear Mr.DeNiro, do you live off residuals & royalties from Godfather Pt.II & III, Raging Bull, Brazil, Awakenings, Analyze This, Casino, The Untouchables, etc etc? If so, stop starring in bullcrap & retire!! If not, then at least take a break.
-Renegades: A not so fun looking or clever version of ‘Three Kings’. A bunch of navy seals go to what it describes as ‘War Torn Europe’. When I read that I thought ‘So the film is set in World War II?’ The poster has a bunch of Navy Seals with modern weaponry & military attire. All I keep thinking is World War III is like the war against space Nazis. Bring it onnnn!!!!! I can wish.
-Eloise: I swear to you, I thought this was a remake of that one character ‘Eloise’. She’s like ‘Annie’ but with more terrible movies. There was that one Christmas movie I remember which sucked back then & still sucks now! Why am I talking about this?
Synopsis, a bunch of greedy young people break into an abandoned asylum to find treasure, only to find trouble. This looks like another one of those ‘Little girl singing a lullaby in a sad tone, OOOooh, scary.’ kind of horror films. I’m sick & tired of little girls being the new face of horror. I grew up with Freddy, Jason, Pinhead & Chucky. Why are they not selling to the average movie going audience?
-American Violence: Is that Peter Gagic in a movie?
I’m already smelling the confused looks on all your faces. Peter Gagic is the creator & actor behind ‘The Cine-Masochist’, a very manly show dealing in cult exploitation films & has a very badass synth soundtrack. I highly recommend his videos, they make me wanna bench press 50!!
So Peter Gargack is in death row for killing a bunch of people & is being interviewed by Denise Richards, a woman who’s smile is keeping her face intact. Peter’s life hangs in the hands of Denise Richards.
FREE PETER!!! FREEE PEEETER!!!! The world needs more ‘Cine Masochist’ videos on YouTube!!
-John Wick Chapter 2: I’m sure all of you who follow me in my personal page or follow the BlackTime Tumblr may have read the post I wrote about this film when the trailer hit. If not, here’s a short summary here. This film should be bloodier & much more violent. That first film wasn’t bloody or violent enough for my tastes. For fuck’s sakes, these asshole Russian gangsters killed Keanu’s puppy, I wanted Keanu to blow up a dude’s face with a shotgun. This also has to do with the fact that action films today aren’t using blood squibs because people thought it was ‘Too Real‘ (It didn’t stop movies before then! WTF!!), CGI blood makes it easier for reshoots & of course we can‘t forget what happened to Brandon Lee. I miss blood squibs & blanks. I don’t like that current use of CGI blood spray that looks like someone used ‘Windows Paint’ & used the spray feature.
Sorry for being such an old fuck, I grew up watching Bruce Willis & Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting people point blank & seeing a big ’ol splash of red jam come out of the bad guys. It’s just the type of film I grew up watching. I’m glad this is going to get a sequel (Though so much can go wrong), let’s move on.
-Fifty Shades Darker: Only in Hollywood can a movie fail upwards. Everyone hated this movie! Aside from the BDSM community, film critics & audiences alike hated this film, yet here we are now. I have no comment, I’m not part of the BDSM community, nor have I read the books. I’ve ignored the last film, I’m ignoring this one too. It’s the perfect film to ignore! So apparently the sick fuck who’s sharing his kink to another woman is being stalked by the Ex. That’s it, goodnight everyone!
-A United Kingdom: So a king in Africa gets married to a woman from Britain & it all takes place in the 1940’s. You know what that means, RACISM!!!!! (Cue: That airhorn sound that’s in everything that’s considered ‘Edgy’) Up yours, racists!! Two people love each other, despite their skin color & you have to live with it!!
I’m not into period piece romances, so I’m skipping.
-Stray Bullets: According to the description in ‘movieinsider.com’, the director & star ‘Jack Fessender’ is a 16 year old who both stars & directs this film. If that’s fully true or not, I am amazed, proud & pissed off. Amazed because hearing & seeing younger people setting out to make a movie & achieving that is brilliant & gives me hope for humanity. Proud because it takes a special type of person to use whatever resources they have at their disposal to make something they want to make. Pissed because I look at myself & all the projects I wanted to do & I always tell myself “That could have been me at that age!” Then again, my stuff sucked at that age, so I’m better off doing it now than back then.
It’s a hostage film taking place in a trailer, ‘nuff said. Looks gritty.
-The Great Wall: Ohhh here we go again. White guy saves those ‘Orientals’ from fighting against each other because it’s 1997, white guy will always be a hero. ‘47 Ronin’ did this & it failed. ‘Stonewall’ took it to an extreme & that ate shit. What makes studios think this will be different? We gotta stop this whole white guy in foreign historical context bullcrap. It’s boring & historically inaccurate. Regardless of historical inaccuracies, it’s also illogical. Why would a white guy speaking American English be in a place America knew nothing about until the later century? You know how nowadays we look at those science fiction movies & comics that portray radioactivity as a super powered supplement? We’re now looking at those movies the same way we view 1950‘s idea of radioactivity. I call for a petition to change the title of ‘The Last Samurai’ into ‘The First Weeaboo’.
So in the long run, Matt Damon saves ‘Them Coloreds’ because Hollywood says so. Fuck you Hollywood!
-Patient Zero: A film from ‘Screen Gems’ that is a horror & action film. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be another ‘Resident Evil/Underworld’ type of movie. I admit, ‘Priest’ was interesting, but the fact that it was a PG-13 film which cut out it’s intended gore was what made that film bomb. I don’t see anything good coming out of this, other than the flock of Doctor Who fans going to see this because Matt Smith is on the cast list. We’ll see.
-Fist Fight: A comedy where Charlie Day & Ice Cube, both teachers, plan a fist fight. From the looks of this, it looks like a comedy that would have come out in 2007. Not interested. I’m a big Ice Cube & Charlie Day (though wasn’t really digging the films he starred in), yet they aren’t really selling me on this crappy comedy.
-A Cure For Wellness: Alright, so I was on YouTube one day & I saw an inescapable ad that just made me confused & curious. It was a 30second shot of a forest & big words on screen that said ‘Find Your Cure’ which lead to a website with a sound clip (which I couldn’t hear because my sister’s computer sucks). Then I saw the trailer (Not on my computer) & I was sold on this movie. Directed by Gore Vorebinsky, (Director of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies & Mouse Hunt) this film looks like the kind of movie I wanna see in the theaters. It looks weird, unique, everything is done in that weird vintage/ post modern look. My problem with the trailer is a problem I’ve have recently, it uses a soft & somber cover of an already upbeat good song. Really? A depressed woman singing ‘I wanna be sedated’ by The Ramones is your definition of clever? This is like seeing those banjo playing guys singing a rap song. “Isn’t it clever how I said ‘Bitch’ in that rap song being played in a banjo?” Hur hur hur, we need to stop this shit. I’m afraid I’m going to hear a cover of ‘Megalomaniac’ by KMFDM being played by a sad whispering woman & her violin.
-XX: It’s the prequel to ‘XXX’. It’s before Vin Diesel earned that other ‘X’. I’m joking, it’s actually a horror anthology with segments written & directed by a creative team made up of purely women. One thing I learned about women making horror is they know how to genuinely disturb people with horror, especially men. ‘American Psycho’ was directed & written by Marry Harron, that movie was anything but a ‘Oh, only girls get scared of this’ flick. So yeah, bring it on! Women in horror, scare the Jeebus out of me! Oh, & it’s being released by the folks at ‘Magnet Releasing’, so you can tell this is going to be in tone of something like ‘ABC’s of Death’ or the ‘VHS’ movies. I’ve yet to see those two films.
-Land of Mine: With little training & almost everyone going back home, a group of boy soldiers are left to defuse the remaining land mines in a Danish coastline. That’s pretty damn original. Never heard of a plot like this being done before. That’s something I’ll check out if I can.
-Rock Dog: This looks like the ‘Norm of the North’ for 2017.
-The Girl with All The Gifts: A little girl lives in a dystopian future in a bunker where she & a bunch of other children are being examined by Glenn Close who is trying to find a cure for some fungi virus thing. I don’t see any pictures or trailers, but by god I want to see this weird, sci-fi, R-rated kid’s movie! I wanna see this now!!! The only thing I’ve got right now is my imagination & it looks like Jean Pierre Junet film.
-Dying Laughing: A first hand, documentary on how stand up comedians work on stage & off stage. That’s going on my ‘To Watch’ list. Any documentary dealing in the arts will go on my pile, that is if it isn’t pretentious or depressing.
-Drifter: Two brothers seek refuge in a town, only to find out they have landed in the hands of a cannibalistic family. For some reason this brings grimey & bloody images from that movie the Cinema Snob reviewed. ‘The German Chainsaw Massacre’, real film & it’s pretty insane. Man, Dem German films be crazy. It doesn’t say if the film is foreign or not, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is.
-God Of War: Sadly, this is not the ‘God Of War’ you thought you were getting. No Kratos, just a Chinese medieval war film starring Sammo Hung & Vincent Zhao. Limited release, these kinds of flicks aren’t my thing. Both the Chinese & South Korean medieval movies & TV just aren’t my thing. Not because they reflect real history that I know nothing about, but most of the time it’s all talk of strategy & the fights are rarely there. Add in these short bursting subtitles that last a millisecond & it becomes an endurance test for me.
-Contemporary Color: So David Byrne set up a celebration of color guard back in 2015 & this movie is like a concert film in the vein of something like ‘Michael Jackson‘s THIS IS IT.’ I know what you’re thinking, Color Guard is lame. Well, tell that to the professionals, these guys would hide a baton in their butt hole & spit it out of their mouth & begin twirling it. Well, not in that way but color guard is serious business.
This looks like something I would find on the ‘AXS Channel’ late at night & I’d probably watch it because there’s nothing on & I’m not sleepy. It’s been happening to me as of late, it’s not cool.
-Logan: Are you happy, fan boys? Looks like they’ve adapted ‘Old Man Logan’, kinda. So a friend was telling me about the comic & it just sounded both violent for the sake of being violent & so insane I have to read it to believe it. There’s an inbred family of Hulks that get brutally killed by Wolverine. Will that be in the movie? I don’t know. Honestly, ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ killed my interest in Wolverine & I haven’t seen that one where he’s in Japan. That movie hurt my feelings & I’ve not yet recovered from the fact that the movie sold me this epic where we follow Logan in the wars he’s fought in, his conception in the Weapon X experiments & his friendship/betrayal with Sabretooth. Instead, everything in that trailer & TV spot was the first 12 minutes of that film. I don’t know if I’d watch ‘Logan’ or not. I’m that disinterested in the character, especially since I spent my whole childhood reading 90’s comics where everyone wanted to be cool like Wolverine. I’m burnt out.
-My Scientology Movie: It seems as of recent everyone’s been on a “Let’s look at Scientology” kick. Ever since HBO did that documentary, A&E now has their show with the lady from ‘King Of Queens’ which is basically a ‘She Said, He Said’ 1hr gossip fest. Now comes this movie which seems like Satire, but the page says it’s a documentary. I am curious about this film.
-T2 Trainspotting 2: I haven’t seen the first ‘Trainspotting’, but I’ve seen parts of the film & it looks like my kind of teen film. Other than that, I really have no deep connection as everyone has with the announcement of the sequel. I’ll have to watch the rest of the film to see if I’m on board with a sequel or not. The announcement kinda reminds me of the ‘SLC Punk’ sequel which I wasn’t against, but I wasn’t really for either. T2, get it? Terminator 2. Hueh.
-Kong Skull Island: I saw that first trailer that popped up & it felt very suspenseful & looked like they wanted to take King Kong back to the late 70’s when the Dino DeLaurentis remake was set. I love that 70’s remake with Jeff Bridges. That first trailer has sold me, not showing the new Kong & having it be a lot more darker than that slow & boring Kong film from 2006 or 2007, or was it 2005? I don’t know, I was in middle school when that piece of boredom hit. I’m hearing the new trailer, that was released, just ruined the overall tone that the teaser had. I’m avoiding this new trailer like the plague, because that teaser was like a perfectly paced throwback movie.
I haven’t even scraped the surface here, so it looks like there will be more parts to the 2017 list. Believe me, I’ve been skipping the movies I have no material for & deleting a few movies I thought weren’t strong. Next week I will be taking a break from the movies in order to get through one topic I bet all of you have been waiting for. See ya, would probably want to be you.