So this week I’ll be spilling some Jebus oriented opinions on the films of 2015 & ohohoho boy I’m going to get some hate mail for this, just like the last time I did this. First, we have to get through some news that messed this week up!
Good news for once.
I know this doesn’t relate to everyone, but Tess Holliday got signed on to a modeling contract with an agency called MiLK. Why the hell are we talking about this in a blog where I’m always bitching about how corporations & governments keep on screwing us over & the current state of media today is sickening? Well, some of you may not notice it because you’re either an attractive man or woman who doesn’t see the uglyness of the world. Tess Holliday is going to burn down some bridges with her looks & her ‘Eff Your Beauty Standards’ organization. With all this bullshit that these corporations consider ‘Plus Size’, especially the bullcrap that ‘Abercrombie & Fitch’ pulled some years ago, oh she’s going to burn some fucking bridges & all of us normal/ ugly people are going to cheer her on because what is real beauty? No one knows that, yet we have these guys in suits in board meetings going on about “What do men like? Oh, Kate Moss! Let’s put that bitch in everything.” You have the 10% of men who think Kate Moss is hot because puberty happened when they watched ‘Necromantic’ & thinking “Damn that dead old lady is hot!” Whereas the rest of the men (Including yours truly) would rather any girl who doesn’t look like the dead body they saw on their way from the pharmacy. So, this is a personal congrats to Tess & a success for womankind, because they’re the ones that are mostly affected by Image in media (no, not the comic company) & by that stupid pressure to be a certain size. So it‘s great to have someone who doesn‘t look like a Skeletor.
Is this a 1980’s William Fredkin film?
You know, everything seems to be reflecting the 80’s all of a sudden in the movies, comics, especially video games, the same bullshit in politics of the 80’s are still happening & even music has this tinge of the 80’s. It’s the sad truth, the 1980’s are long gone & anyone who lived in that point in time is now middle aged (happens to everyone). Why do I bring this up? Well, apart from this neo cold war between Russia & the U.S that keeps on inching near, I have been watching the news on my free time & I’ve been seeing a ton of news stories about murdered Gay & Trans people. I’m not making a joke, but are we in a William Fredkin movie? Of course this has been happening since forever, but all on the same week? I guess we’re back to the 80’s with a tranny slasher who thinks he’s doing his non-existent entity named ’GAWD’ a service. No, you’re not motherfucker, you’re breaking families & contributing to a hateful cause. Those are my two cents on these killings. To all of you who were at a confusion, William Fredkin (Also director of ’The Exrocist’ directed a film called ‘Cruisin’ about an undercover cop who delves into the gay underground to catch a slasher who kills homosexuals. It’s pretty offensive, but it’s an odd film mainly due to the writing. So, this all feels like a 1980’s thriller/ mystery, quit killing different people everyone.
Crowds at DMVs everywhere, in California.
It’s now been a month since the law has been in effect for undocumented immigrants to get their driver’s licenses & as everyone expected, crowds, loads & loads of crowds! Some of these people are just trying to take a driver’s test & they got to suffer more of a hell than what the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) already established. I’m not going to bash all the undocumented immigrants here like some hick. From what I’ve heard is the DMV expected this kind of turnout & had preparations implemented, such as hiring more than 900 employees. I have no clue if the staff they hired was rushed through training just so they can get a seat at the job, that may play a part in why it’s crowded, but I am not clear on that. This is a trend that I’ve been seeing for a long time, Government assistance & the negative effects. If you followed me on Tumblr I wrote a little something that you can agree on or not. Feel free to comment on it.
“Government assistance is like a freaking surprise prank on the innocent. They see an issue the 99% face, offer a solution then use it as a way to make ‘Extra money’ which ends up blowing up in their face after giving it their support. The government is laughing, the rich is laughing & you’re sitting there with a handful of soot in your face, feeling the same, looking the same. You blame yourself but you aren’t the blame because the government played you all like a fool. And you end up getting monthly pranks for the rest of your life, that is if you fight for the change.”
Every fucking time the government tries to help some people, it’s always has it’s consequences, most of the time it‘s socially. No one thinks about the repercussions of voter decisions until those laws are in effect. An example here, imagine if the government was going to fund an experiment where dinosaurs are cloned by using DNA from their bones. Well of course the public would vote for that because the scientists have said there’s clear indication that these said dinosaurs have a clear cure for Cancer, Mental deficiencies & even cures people from Hate. The law is voted unanimously so we’re going to get dinosaurs in the year 2016! 2016 comes around & guess what, dinosaurs everywhere, eating people, destroying buildings & the cash to repair everything is coming out of our pockets because the government said “If these mothafuckaz ruin shit & shit, y’all are payin for it. TOTALITARIAN 4 LYFE!” We seriously, in this country, need to look outside the laws & how they’re voted. I know all of us can’t predict the future, but we can use context clues to see how this will affect your life or anyone else’s life. Right now there’s talk of Obama wanting to give everyone (or at least poor people) free college tuition. I understand the whole necessity of going to college, I’m a college student (or half of one, I won’t go into it) & I see the benefits of free college. What will it do to the college itself? Expect to see more of a shorter time span to sign up for classes, if you thought the span for signing up for a class was hard, if this law passes it will be a hell of a lot shorter. Overcrowding, I went to an overcrowded middle school & that shit does affect learning. Why do I suck at math? Well, Overcrowding is one of the many things that contributed to that & a bunch of other things which I won’t get into today. I think Obama asks for free tuition but people will still have to buy their own textbooks, I think that‘s how it‘s going to work. Anyone get the messed up ‘punishments’ for rewards? I’m also seeing the same with Obamacare, people are paying too much for their healthcare just so they can wait in a crowded waiting room, with messy kids running around & for what, to get a sheet from some knowitall receptionist that your appointment has been changed & it happens again & again & again until they finally get to you.
“Why is your blood pressure high?” they ask as if they aren’t aware of the shit happening outside their offices. I’m not saying that we should stop caring for others by voting in laws that will benefit citizens, I’m saying that we should stop & think, think of the pros & of the cons of things, we have to make preparations for the inevitable.
Police abuses man walking with a golf club.
SHITTING CHRIST!!!! STOP BEING CUNTS & START BEING COPS!!!! The eldery man was using it as a cane, a fucking cane. At least he wasn’t walking with a gun, unlike what these cops do. Canes, from what I can understand is that the same types of canes that senior citizens use cost too damn much. Maybe he was using that gold club to walk to the pharmacy so ‘Obamacare’ could pay for his new cane. Sometimes when times are tough, you gotta reach into your ingenuity bank in your head & be creative with what you’re going to use to get by a problem using anything around your home. Recently my VHS copy of ‘12 Monkeys’ went to shit. It didn’t want to play, it kept on stopping & ejecting when I tried to watch the film. What did I do? I wanted to watch a VHS copy, the original format it was released & I (as stingy as I could be) didn’t want to rush to Target & get the DVD. I opened up that sucker with a screwdriver, took out the spools & put those spools inside another VHS tape & restored it back by screwing in the front of the 12 Monkeys tape into the new plastic shell. Ingenuity! You don’t have to be a mechanic to have ingenuity, you just have to answer the question, ‘What can I use to fix this thing, without spending a gajillion moneys?’ & that is one to grow one.
Doo di doo too doo.
Oh & screw abusive cops, they need Injenuity.
Now, our feature presentation, MOVIES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT SUCK (but they will suck, because Hollywood is creatively bankrupt.)
Side Note: Some of these film may or may not be released & some of these films might undergo title changes. Also, there are films that I skipped commentary, both because they weren’t confirmed for production or there wasn’t anything to write about. Also I talked extensively about Star Wars VII so I won’t be speaking of that again.
-Spongebob: Sponge out of Water = Um, I’m not one to pick continuity in a show as over the top as Spongebob, but why are the characters computer generated? Why aren’t they hand drawn like in the last movie? Fucking lazy Hollywood filmmakers!!! Then again, in the show they weren’t animated, they were portrayed as inanimate objects when they went to the surface. Spongebob would be a real sponge & Patrick would be a toy starfish. I don’t know man, I DON’T KNOW. I’ll wait till cable to see this. It seems like they picked the non- weird & non-subversive jokes to use on the trailer. Then again, what if the whole movie is nothing but non-weird jokes? Oh I can’t go though the defamation of a Nickelodeon cartoon again. I recently watched ‘The Rugrats Movie’ & oh my god, that wasn’t good. Despite a few funny moments, that was not ‘Rugrats.’ I’ll talk about that some other time.
-Avengers: Age of Ultron = I dug the Marvel movies, they were entertainment, good old fashioned entertainment. Avengers, I got nothing against the comic, I have a beef against the damn fan base (or the fans compiled of weeaboo scum). The film isn’t even a decade old & it has been spoiled by them & these fucktard fan boys that don’t give anyone a chance to experience stuff for themselves with their elitist entitlement bullshit!! “Durka durka durka! I don’t care if you haven’t seen the movie, Joss Whedon is god & we will spoil it to all you heathen non-believers! I didn’t need to see the first film, I already know what the first film due to all your memes & shit. Guardians of the Galaxy was a big hit & that shit wasn’t spoiled for me, why the Avengers? So for this sequel, I won’t be seeing it in theaters, I’ll just wait till all you fanboys tell me the story in a Tumblr photoset.
-Jupiter Ascending = I seriously thought this flick was already out. I thought the film was out & no one saw it because no one cared. I don’t get studios anymore, I don’t get how they’re giving movies the ‘push’ for advertising while others just come out without a peep. Snowpiercer, a film that came out last year got no advertising & it just came out. I had no clue that Snowpiercer was out on DVD until I went to a department store recently & got a copy. As for ‘Jupiter Ascending’, it looks meh, nothing bad, nothing hyped, just meh. Rocket boots aren’t bad, Mila Kunis isn’t horrible, Channing Tatum is horrenous & he has eyeshadow in this flick. Gay aliens? Of course the ladies are going to see this, or I might be wrong, they’ll stay home because they don’t want to deal with a bro-culture douche who can’t act. You & me both ladies, you & me both.
-The Voices= Directed by Marjane Satapi? The woman who made ‘Persepolis’? Well what do you know, it is from Marjane Satapi! I truly enjoyed both the Graphic Novels & the animated film of Persepolis. It also appears that she’s made other movies, WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE?! It astounds me how many multi-talented people there are in this world that aren’t given a look, yet we give all the attention to whores who became famous for sextapes & lies. The plot here (from movieinsider.com), “Jerry (Ryan Reynolds) is that chipper guy clocking the nine-to-five at a bathtub factory, with the offbeat charm of anyone who could use a few friends. With the help of his court-appointed psychiatrist, he pursues his office crush (Gemma Arterton). However, the relationship takes a sudden, murderous turn after she stands him up for a date. Guided by his evil talking cat and benevolent talking dog, Jerry must decide whether to keep striving for normalcy, or indulge in a much more sinister path.”
OOhhohhohooo. I want to see this, I was disappointed by Ryan Reynold’s depiction of Hal Jordan in the recent ‘Green Lantern’ film, but I’m willing to give him a chance. R-rated, I hope the animals don’t die, but I hope that bitch who stoop up Ryan gets killed in a horrid way!! I’m sorry, I just love it when films take a “Who cares” look at human life. What can you say, I like dark humor & revenge movies. VENGANCE!!!!!!!
-Kingsman: The Secret Service = It looks like this will be an all out, good clean, R-rated fun with Samuel L. Jackson as a villain. Sam L. as a villain? Why, I never thought that would happen! The Plot: “Kingsman: The Secret Service tells the story of a super-secret spy organization that recruits an unrefined but promising street kid into the agency’s ultra-competitive training program just as a global threat emerges from a twisted tech genius.” Nothing complex, just looks & sounds fun. This can either be really fun & violent, or horrible & dumb. We’ll see. This better not be ‘Ecks V.S Sever’ again.
-Fifty Shades of Grey: I hear the books suck, like they’re written in such a way that a grade school kid could read them & pick apart the plot. The movie, it’s not for me. I dig the subculture films & such, but this one isn’t for me. 1. I’m not a woman. 2. I’m not a fan of the books. And number 3. I’m not going to go into the whole “This is promoting abuse.” thing. Yeah, there are times that books are promoting ideals & it’s out there (Cough, Frank Miller’s Islamophobia in ‘Holy Terror’ Cough!), but it’s not my battle. That’s for the people complaining about the book’s themes & the author of the book. I’ve never read the book, so I have no say in this battle. I’m also not apart of the BDSM community & from what they say is that the book portrays BDSM like domestic abuse disguised as mainstream romance. I’ll take their word for it. You all are on your own.
-Hot Tub Time Machine 2: A sequel to a comedy I care nothing about. NEXT! What are they gonna do, make fun of the future, just like they did in the first film with the Eighties. Harharhar! Did you know PS3 didn’t exist in the 80’s & there was no I-Pad back then. NO FUCKING SHIT YOU RETARDED MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I’m sorry everyone, I get irritated when older people talk down to me just because I was born in the early 90’s. The sad fact is, most people my age think that the internet has always been around. You guys older gotta see what I have to deal with?
-The Duff= The hwat? The Duff, not the muff, till you huff on the duff. Duff Beer? I don’t know what ‘TheDuff’ is. Internet, explain to me what this ‘Duff’ is!
“Bianca (Mae Whitman) is a content high school senior whose world is shattered when she learns the student body knows her as ‘The DUFF’ (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) to her prettier, more popular friends (Skyler Samuels & Bianca Santos). Now, despite the words of caution from her favorite teacher (Ken Jeong), she puts aside the potential distraction of her crush, Toby (Nick Eversman), and enlists Wesley (Robbie Amell), a slick but charming jock, to help reinvent herself. To save her senior year from turning into a total disaster, Bianca must find the confidence to overthrow the school’s ruthless label maker Madison (Bella Thorne) and remind everyone that no matter what people look or act like, we are all someone’s DUFF.” Hahahah, the smart teenagers will get a good kick out of this movie about image & high school stupidity. Hahahah!!! What the bloody fuck!!!!! Anyone remember that movie ‘The Hottie & The Nottie’ directed by that one dumb blonde? This is that film, but for family friendly high schoolers!! Uh oh, better not say the ‘SH-’ word, that’s a big no no word. I have to cover my teen sons’ ears when someone listens to the evil Rap music. GROW SOME NADS HOLLYWOOD! So this is cinema for teens, this is why teens rent 80’s movies like ‘The Breakfast Club’, because that flick didn’t talk down to teens. All this flick does is show a non-realistic depiction of high school, just like those slut dolls little girls played with in 2005. What has teen cinema gone to? So, The Duff, I’m not watching it, I bet my little sister is going to see this because she’s at that age where anything teen related means Quality to her & I don’t think she’ll be rewatching it & saying “This is bad, why did I like this?”
-Mc Farland USA = Starring Otm Shank. Oh sorry, pardon by gobbledygook, it stars Kevin Costner. When he’s not drinking post apocalyptic urine or delivering mail to bring peace, he’s running with some of the whitest latinos you’ll ever see on screen. What Disney, darkies ain’t good enough for you? So as you could already tell, this film is an ‘inspiration’ story about an all Latino cross country team from 1987. And only 12% of the film will be factual while the rest is a made up lie so all you idiots could have fun with it. Disney sucks.
-Russel Madness = (Slaps face & cries in the corner) No matter how much pain I inflict upon myself, it won’t hurt as much to know that Disney, yet again, is making another animal movie where the animal is good at a fucking sport. Also, THIS IS A THEATRICAL RELEASE! What is this, 1996? A dog runs away form a pet shop, finds a family struggling to revive a wrestling arena, & oh my lord, who let the DOGZ out! Raize da woof, HIP HOP DEH HIPPITY HOP, WE‘RE POPPIN! The dog knows how to wrestle. Hahahahahah, good clean family fun, enough mediocrity & triteness to kill a mexican family! Sorry to get stereotypical, but seriously, how stupid does Disney think we as the public are? Seriously, I’m starting to find subtext in books & movies, but does the rest of the audience? Wrestling dogs….MY ASS WRESTLES BETTER THAN THAT DAMN DOG!!! But here’s an upside, I hope ‘Alex Jowski’ from Geek Juice does an ‘Antisocial Commetary’ on it. He always says something true & funny about these movies. A talking cat?!
-The Lazarus Effect: Remember that awesome movie ‘Flatliners’ where Kevin Bacon, the dude from 24 & the chick with the nice smile kill themselves for like a few minutes & then come back to life using hospital equipment, then get what they bargained for when their childhood traumas come to fuck shit up? Imagine that, but with medical students who bring the dead back alive in a PG-13 horror movie. This can either be decent or horrible! I like the poster though, it looks like they’re doing a Throwback to a thriller from the early 90’s. I’m curious.
-The Vatican Tapes: Some stupid girl gets her finger cut, goes to a hospital, only to find out that priests believe she is ‘possessed’ by El Diablo! Paranormal/ Exrocism movies aren’t my thing, I have no interest in this. I thought judging by the title that this film was going to be about child raping priests being hunted by awesome machine gun arm guys that spill mad rhymes like Ice-T! I want that movie, not this paranormal bullshit.
-Unfinished Business: The Hangover, but with small business workers instead of unlikable characters & Europe instead of Las Vegas. Starring Vince fat faced Vaughn, Dave Franco, Sienna Miller, June Diane Raphael & Tom hasn’t been relevant since 2005 Wilkinson. Uh oh, better bring you’re A-game bro, this is gonna be a wild ride!!! Not even remotely interested.
-Chappie: Starring the dude from ‘Slumdog Millionare’ & Die Antwoord!!! Die Antwoord, that rap group with the creepy yet hot albino girl? Yes that Die Antwood, I have no beef with their music. I want to see this, I still have not seen ‘Elysium’ but this looks awesome! I see a lot of people calling this a remake of ‘Short Circuit’, I still don’t see the similarities between the two. Wait, according to movieinsider.com, it’s a comedy. The trailer showed a bunch of killing & action, Hahahah! I get it, it’s funny when people die J
-The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: I watched the first movie on cable out of curiosity & it sucks. Rich white people trying to be funny, visiting a clean India & dealing with bullshit drama in that hotel. I want 2 hours of my life back, why did they make a sequel to it? Was there such a big audience of the first film that they needed to make a sequel? Dredd has an audience, why aren’t we getting a sequel to that? So to all of you who enjoyed that film, have fun with the sequel, twice the cast of white people trying to be funny & twice the budget for India to actually look like India. Judi Dench I feel bad for you.
- The Coup: Starring Pierce handsome Brosnan, “The Coup follows an American family living in Southeast Asia who get caught in the middle of a violent revolution. They must flee to safety while being hunted by a murderous rebel leader.” I’ve often been misguided into seeing a Pierce Brosnan film, thinking it was an action flick, only to sit through a drama about Pierce as an Irish dad trying to get custody of his daughters. Never Forget, Never Again. I’m not getting over that fucking ‘Evelyn’ movie, ruined my childhood, man.
-Cinderella: Reboot for reboot’s sake! Why another remake. Fuck you ‘Mouse Witch!!!!’ Are we soo stupid that we don’t know how the story of ‘Cinderella’ goes? I’ll synopsize the story for you. There was once a girl named ‘Cinderella’ who was a slave to bitches, she got angry until she took some unlabeled pills & started seeing talking rats & talking teapots. Then she grabs these talking rats & shoves it down those bitches’ throats. Then out of nowhere a meteorite comes crashing down & a small asian man comes out of the meteor & says “Would you like a glass tampon?” THE END!
-Run All Night: Liam Nesson has become the Charles Bronson of this generation. He stars in a movie where his family is either in danger or has been killed, he gets revenge, end of story. This is another one of those films that studios use to hire Liam Nesson. I feel bad for him, first it was Qui Gon now his families are dying like flies. In this specific film, his son is a target & he has to protect him with the help of his mobster buddies. I’ll give it a shot. Bad guys are stupid, kidnapping his family, not knowing that their arms are going to be shoved up their rectum. Hahaha YEAH BOY!
-Insurgent: Apparently this is part of a book series called ‘Divergent’. Why haven’t I heard of this? What the hell is going on? I’m not interested.
-The Gunman: Directed by Pierre Morell, Sean Penn goes to Europe to clear his name. Clear his name from what? I guess he was named ‘Jesus’ & he wants to clear it in Europe so people could stop making Cruxafixion jokes.
-Do You Believe?: Oh no, it’s another one of those religious movies. Everyone, run away, I’ll fend it off!!! (Pulls out Excalibur sword) I crush my enemies in the name of Krom!!!
-Get Hard: This isn’t a porno, this is a racist comedy starring Will Ferrell & Kevin Hart. This is pretty much that movie ‘The New Guy’ from the early 2000’s where tiny little white guy goes to prison so a hip black guy could harden him up, YO!! That movie sucked, but it didn’t have the same racist allure that this film has. No way am I seeing this train wreck & it saddens me that Will Ferrell, a once funny guy has gone to this & that horrid ‘Land of the Lost’ remake. It spat on the fans of the original.
-Home: Dreamworks Animation boggles me, they sometimes make some of the most beautiful looking & well written kids films like ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ or the first Shrek film, then the rest of the time they’re making kids mediocrity like ‘Croods’. ‘Home’ falls into those movies that I’m sure parents will take their kids to see & feel like they’re going to have a good time, only to stumble into a kids movie hell. The trailer has a ‘joke’ where the little alien dances to Sean Paul, 2003 called, they want their shit humor back! What’s the plot? An alien is a screw up in his little alien community, does a big boo boo to where all the aliens want him captured, so he hides in Earth where he befriends a girl & SHINANIGANS ENSUE!!!! I’m sure the end of this flick is the alien learns a life lesson that the kids in the audience will forget after they leave the Cineplex. MEDIOCRITY!
-While We’re Young: “Revolves around an uptight documentary filmmaker (Ben Stiller) and his wife (Naomi Watts) who find their lives loosened up a bit after befriending a free-spirited younger couple. Adam Driver would play one half of the younger couple.” A Ben Stiller movie & mind you he’s out of the ‘Zoolander, Mystery Men’ phase & now he’s into some weird hipster mood. I’m scared, hold me. He’s becoming a pretentious wine drinking man who lives in a Frank Lloyd Wright home, call the police!!! This is a cocktail movie. What is a cocktail movie? A movie not for me but for people who spend their time with food blogs & own businesses in West Hollywood. The plots usually delve into rich, upper class people & their problems. RICH WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS!
-A Little Chaos: A Victorian drama from Focus Features. What is it with Focus Features & Victorian era movies? Is it the boustieres the ladies wore at that time? I’m sure it’s the Boustieres, no one can resist forced cleavage, not even a woman! When a woman likes boobs, you know there’s something in the drinking water or in the air. DU DUN DUNNNN!!!!! I’m kidding, but seriously, what is it with Focus Features & Victorian era movies?
-Furious 7: I’m not into these films as I should be. Coming off the douchebaggery that was 2Fast 2Furious, these movies are nothing but broculture fare to feed the mediocritans that dwell everywhere & rev their engines outside my home at 7pm. 2douche 2much. Hey look, CGI Michelle Rodriguez & CGI The Rock jumping in front of a green screen. Do your own stunts you lazy fuckers!!!! 7Fast 7Furious.
R.I.P Paul Walker.
I may not have been a fan of most of his films, but I did enjoy him in ‘Joy Ride’.
-The Longest Ride: Oh for chrissakes!!! This is yet another Nicholass Sparks movie, but this time it’s a romance, IN THE SOUTH!!! Yeah, with cowboy hats & horses & romance. BLAAUGHH!!! I just vomited my lungs out. I don’t get how Nicholas Sparks keeps making movies? There are way more creative people out there that have way better ideas for romances than Strong burly manly man falls for mopy thin woman with inferiority complex. I knew a girl in High School who talked about those books & movies with a passion so much that I actually blew my top off & yelled at her. Don’t worry everyone, I apologized to her afterwards, I had a bad day & I blew my top & the last thing I wanted to hear was a trite romance.
-The Moon & The Sun: Pierce Brosnan as King Lois XIV!! I AM WATCHING THIS MASTERPIECE!!!!!!
-Unfriended: Boo hoo, I was unfriended, I’m going to stalk the person who unfriended me in a serial killer way! BOOOO!!!!!! Bring me something that doesn’t suck, MTV films. What a joke. All horror today is meant to scare people that have an I-Phone, where are the creatures? I missed it when people were afraid of monsters. If this keeps up, we’re going to have a horror film called ‘Cracked Phone’ about a girl who drops her phone. DUH END! & all you people are going to flock to it because you think it’s a “Horror film that relates to reality.” Bastards.
-Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 : I’m making the Judge Dredd sad face. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY????? WWWWWHHHHYYYYY? WHY THE HELL DOES THIS GET A SEQUEL WHERE AS DREDD 2 IS IN DEVELOPMENT HELL? I do enjoy some Kevin James, but this is in no way his best.
-Child 44: Russia police, Russia police Russia police. DAS PUTIN!!
-Monkey Kingdom: Another Disney film involving animals, but they aren’t doing sports. These monkeys are doing monkey stuff while stupid obtrusive humans record their every movie. BOOO! Sing about speed!!!
-Beyond The Brick: A Lego Brickumentary : No need to synopsize, I want to see this film just like everyone else.
-Don’t Mess With Texas: Oh, I’ll mess with Texas if I damn please!! Fucking red state, full of secretive racists. I hope that state burns in hell. So what’s the plot here, Resse Witherspoon is protecting Sofia Vergara, in Texas, from drug cartels. HAR HAR HAR!!!! Just like the Japanese in the early 90’s, Mexicans are now in the villain list for Hollywood creativity, thanks a lot Cartels. Cowboy hat wearing bastards, corrupting a culture with their shootings & shit.
-Pitch Perfect 2: Like I said before, I have a younger sister who likes to rewatch crap on Cinemax. This film is the reason why I close the door to my room & put on headphones. I have the Judge Dredd frown again, this film does not need a sequel. Seems like there’s a market for unfunny movies about people who ruin good music with their ear rape glee club singing.
-Tommorowland: What the hell? What is this? Brad Bird is directing, he’s a genius & most of his films are good fun. Nothing serious, nothing bleak, just fun. I enjoy Brad Bird, he makes films that are targeted towards younger people & doesn’t talk down to them. The Iron Giant, greatest Brad Bird film ever!
-SPY: ……Heheh, Mellisa McCarthy is fat. Wait, that isn’t the joke? Oh I see the joke, Mellisa McCarthy is a fat spy, HAR HAR HAR! Punchline, she’s a fattie! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! Man, I’m hungry….Ooh, lunchables. I’ll take five.
-San Andreas 3-D: So Rockstar is getting into the film business? No, just a average disaster film starring Dwayne Johnson on a truck, out riding an earthquake, in San Andreas. I bet you, I bet you, I bet you that the film will have a ‘California Love’ track by 2Pac, just so all you idiots can get confirmation that the film takes place in California. What, I thought it took place in Georgia?
-Entourage: I thought this was forgotten. So, this show has become a movie already, wow. I haven’t seen all of the episodes, the only thing I know about this show is a scene in which ‘Matt Damon’ is crying to a cellphone about his paycheck.
-Jurassic World: I don’t know, this can either be a horrid film or a brilliant comeback after two decades. I hear the last two films weren’t as good, so I do not know how this will turn out. I dug the first flick, but I forgot about the last two. I’ll see this, it has Pterodactyls grabbing people from the ground, that‘s awesome. It doesn’t look PG-13, you got people getting eaten by dinosaurs, it’s cool that they’re not making it tame.
-The Transporter Legacy: Will Statham be in this flick? Doesn’t say & it’s been unconfirmed. Just to let everyone know most of the films may or may not be released this year. You never know with studios, they can pull out a film & release it a year ahead or never. I can assume this will have CGI cars.
-Inside Out: It’s pixar, no need to see the film or read the synopsis IT IS GOING TO BE A SUCCESS!!
-Ted 2: Oh boy, all comedies I’m coming across on this list are nothing but shit that stupid people laugh at. HAR HAR HAR BEAR HAS SEX WITH WOMAN. SETH MCFARLANE IS A FURRY! HAR HAR HAR! POOT!!! I SLIP ON DEH POOPIE ‘N’ MAKE WEE WEE JOKE! Seth McFarlane can’t do comedy anymore.
-Magic Mike XXL: Hey, a movie about male strippers that all the ladies can get wet about. Oh, but when a movie about female strippers comes out, oh we gotta protest it, QUIT STEALING MY HUBBIE YOU ON SCREEN HUSSIE!! Well, this film isn’t for me, nor have I seen it so I got no opinion about it, but oh ho ho ho! I do have a shit ton of opinions to say about the audience, usually being L.A housewives in their early 20‘s who like to have a ‘NIGHT ON THE TOWN,’ only to get drunk & be an annoyance to everyone trying to have fun!! SCREW YOU!!!!!! The title is called Magic Mike XXL, so it’s going to be fat guys? I hope, because then I’ll actually sit through this & make Chris Farley Chipindales jokes.
-Minions: I hope they pull a ‘Wall-E’ where there’s no real dialogue & the humor is nothing but the actions of these Minions. I enjoyed ‘Despicable Me’, still haven’t seen the sequel but I heard no bad things about it. Minions, I hope it’s as good.
-Ant Man: I’ll give it a chance since I enjoyed all the other Marvel films.
-Trainwreck: No plot has been posted, but judging from who is directing (Judd Apatow) this already feels like a train wreck. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed ‘Role Models’ & ‘The Ben Stiller Show’, but his recent films have lacked witt. Ohohoho, All the bridesmaids are violently shitting in the same bathroom, tee hee hee!! MAKE SMARTER MOVIES!!!
-Poltergiest: Oh lords of the film industry, please halt this remake. I will feed you one virgin goat if you do so. This is for sure going to suck monkey balls.
-Pan: Peter Pan takes your kids away when they’re sleeping & takes them to Michael Jackson’s house. What he does to those kids is stuff no human being can conceive.
-Mission Impossible V: I’ll say what I’ve always said about the other MM films, they are the poor man’s version of James Bond. I did like the TV series as a kid, but the movies didn’t make a dent on me.
-Point Break: Oh why oh why are they remaking an already awesome movie? Keanu Reeves loved Patrick Swayze soo much that he didn’t shoot him & instead fired his gun in the air while yelling because he loved him. Le arte du cinema es beautifale! This remake is going to be yet another Borne knockoff without the hilarious gay subtext.
-Fantastic Four: Ey, at least they’re remaking a bad film.
-Goosebumps: Oh, now they’re cashing in on a 90’s phenomena that I didn’t really follow as much in the 90’s. Here’s the thing, are they trying to cash in on my generation that grew up with this, or are they going to reboot it all or give it a ‘Paranormal Activity: for kids’ type of bullcrap? Sadly, movies can’t do both, well except for a few.
-The Man From U.N.C.L.E: Not a fan of the show, so I don’t care.
-Straight Outta Compton: Since Ice Cube & Dre are involved in the making, I will be seeing this! I’m a fan of N.W.A, especially Eazy-E, & seeing a studio green light a film on N.W.A is just what is needed in this day in age where everything has to be a comic book adaptation or based off a New York Time Bestseller. I am having high ass hopes of this flick.
-Sinster 2: Didn’t people say the first film sucked? Why a sequel. We can’t get Dredd 2, but we could get a sequel to a movie no one liked? WTF!
- Hitman: Agent 47 : Judging from the pictures, it looks like a fan film. It may improve in post production, but it looks like a freaking fan film. YouTube style!
-Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: The Green Destiny : Um, what? This just smells ‘direct to video’ from a mile away. Especially the title. Either that or this film is Chinese & the Chinese made an original film that happened to have wireworks, but oh here comes the uncreative Weinsteins (TWC The Weinstein Company) saying “Hey, people in America are soo stupid, we gotta sell this as a sequel, or else no one will watch it!”
This is also another reason why I’m afraid to watch ‘Snowpiercer,’ due to the fact that it will be talking down to me with all the narration & cuts they inserted.
-Kitchen Sink: A zombie, alien & vampire save the earth. This is a kids’ film, isn’t it?
-The Visit: M.Night Shamalamadingdong is back on the director’s chair again with a horror movie about….I DON’T KNOW! ……This might suck.
-Maze Runner: The Scorch Tails: Again, a movie people hated but still got a sequel. WTF!
- Everest: Ever wanted to sit in a theater & watch crazy people climb a mountain, just because they want to ‘Feel something’ like those hippies you see in documentaries aired on that ‘Link TV’ channel? Well if so then this is the film for you! EXTREME!!!!!
-Untitled Whitey Bulger Project: This isn’t the title, apparently Ben ‘Afflack,’ the insurance salesman duck, is directing a movie about a gangster with the last name Whitey. I hope this is a comedy.
-Black Mass: Another Whitey Bulger film? Is this the same one? Either that or this James Whitey Bulger fellow must be some hot star Hollywood is trying to exploit. Then again this might be the same movie, but it isn’t. WTF HOLLYWOOD!!!
-Hotel Transylvania 2: It’s for the kids.
-Frankenstien: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHH!!!!! Okay everyone, before I explain, read this synopsis.
“A sci-fi take on this classic story about a creature produced through a scientific experiment. The Hunchback character is described as pathologically dirty and dressed in old clowns clothing.” Now, imagine a depressed clown in front of a rusty mirror putting on lipstick & crying as he sings ‘Vogue’ by Madonna. Comedy gold, right?
-London Has Fallen: Well, with all the censorship laws & repressed government going on in London, it’s been falling.
-The Walk: The movie The Sounds, The Like, The Oscar rush movie.
-Kidnap: You just saw the whole movie by just reading the title. Thank you for choosing AMC theaters & spending 20dollars on our 2dollar snacks.
-Untitled Cold War Project Starring Tom Hanks: Looks like Spielberg is attached to this film. Remember when his named packed excitement?
-Paranormal Activity 5: Ghost Dimension : Hey all you high schoolers, want your date to touch your arm or do you want to see your first bra strap. Well, you’ll get a chance this October!!! Aren’t horror films for tweens great?
-The Last Witch Hunter: Vin Deisel killing witches, I’m in.
-Spectre: Oh my gooooddddd!!! I cannot wait, I WANA SEE THIS JAMES BOND FLICK!
-The Peanuts Movie: I like the animation they’re using for this, it’s not line drawn or full on Computer animation, it’s kinda using that flaky cotton look to it. I love the specials & the comic strips of Peanuts. Yeah, I do believe this will be a classic, assuming if they don’t put crap childish humor like Dreamworks animated movies.
-Rings: This isn’t a sequel or a reboot of ‘The Ring’, but it’s still a Ring film, with TEENS! I’m not a fan of these films, ooooh, creepy pale asian kid in a well, oooh. Me no likie deh pale kids. I’m not a fan
-Hunger Games: Mocking Jay part II : Or as I like to call it, the Hunger Games: Too scared to show teen killing Part II! I’m not a fan of the first film as established. After seeing that first film I gave up reading the second book. It sickened me by how they ignored the social political angles & most of all the brutal carnage that the book offered. Also I started picking up the grammatical errors of the second book which ruined the enjoyment out of it.
-The Martian: A Ridley Scott film where Matt Damon tries to survive on Mars. ……Remember when Ridley Scott’s name packed excitement?
-The Good Dinosaur: It’s a Pixar movie, AUTOMATICALLY SUCCESSFUL! 4 STARS! OSCAR WINNER NO COD’s!!!
-Midnight Special: A kid finds out he has powers, so he runs away from people who are out to get him. Anyone see the plothole here?
-Krampus: A creature punishes evil in Christmas, YES SIR GIMMIE!!!!
-In The Heart Of The Sea: Moby Dick, the non-boring version.
-Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip : Never has there ever been a film where it makes me want to engage in animal cruelty towards chipmunks. Mix in annoying voices, trite plots & the musical rape of good music, you get these movies. Do kids even like these movies? I hope not.
-Dirty Grandpa: OH all us young people wanna have some fun brah! But uh oh, grandpa wants to join in on the fun & escort us to the land of drunk chicks with boobs. NOT RIGHT BRAH! Hilarity ensues when they’re forced to listen to ‘Andrew Sisters’ & deal with the oxygen tank. Get it, get it, get it? You don’t get it cause you’re an old person & we’re young & we can get away with anything. DON’T TRUST ANYONE OVER 17 BRAH!!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!
-Monster Trucks: A ‘Cars’ knockoff based on the monster trucks that come once a year in the U.S? Someone in the studios has been snorting that heroin they got when ‘Meteor Man’ was greenlit in 93. Where do I begin with this crap?
Oh man, I am done. Finally, 10 pages full of snark & down right honesty. Just to all of you who were frightened by my commentary, please understand that cinema is near & dear to my heart. In high school I wanted to be a filmmaker & every time people use Filmmaking just to yank a couple of dollars is downright criminal. I was raised by a dad who exposed me to movies like the original ‘Total Recall’ (I hate that I have to specify) & I watched Jackie Chan movies on midday weekends on Network TV. I was raised by quality so I expect every movie to at least entertain men. Movies are an escape or a window to real world issues. I am so in love with films & filmmaking that I have taken an interest in see the Behind The Scenes specials in movies. So when I hear that a classic movie is being remade, a movie that is timeless & doesn’t require such a reboot tears me to the core. All for what? A couple of bucks in the bank, to replay what the previous movie did, to make younger audiences forget about looking for a copy of the original? To show people that the old movie was crap & the newer one is packed with fast editing that causes epilepsy? It sickens me what the state of movie making has become.
So, if you want to hear more of my commentary on Social Media, go call Aquaman.
I’m kidding, again I’ll be posting my Facebook if you want to friend me. But I swear to heaven’s sack that if I keep on getting more spam mail & messages of wanting to ‘Make money form home’ bullshit, then I’m pulling out the address!
Next week I have no clue what the topic will be. It’s a surprise.
I’ll see you all later.
Oh & make sure to read the latest Annual for ‘Adventures in Pancakes’, Annual #2 & it also includes AIN #17, so make sure you read those two. See ya, would love to be ya.